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The bar graph below shows the number of own operated and Franchised restaurants from 2007 to 2012 in Someland. v.1

The bar graph below shows the number of own operated and Franchised restaurants from 2007 to 2012 in Someland. v. 1
The graph shows data on the number of personally owned and franchised restaurants in Someland from 2007 to the third quarter of 2012. Generally speaking, the growth in the number of franchised restaurants were far higher than that of personal ones. According to the illustration, the number of licensed franchised restaurants in 2007 was 522 which was exactly nine times higher than that of personally managed diners in Someland. Next year, the former increased to 580 whereas the latter went up slightly and its number was 62. In the next year, 2009, another 101 chartered restaurants were established while personally owned restaurant dipped to 59. After two years, the growth of franchised eateries witnessed a hike, accounting 813 in total against only 67 self-managed eateries. In the third quarter of 2012, the total number of franchised diners’ number reached to 913, adding 100 new entities in just 9 months, while this number was 71 for personally controlled eateries. As is obvious, the number of franchised restaurants almost doubled in just 5 years while only 12 new personal restaurants added up with the initial number with a decrease in 2009 and 2011.
The graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
data on the
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number
of
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personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
and
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franchised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
in
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Someland
from 2007 to the third quarter of 2012.
Generally
speaking, the growth in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
franchised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
were far higher than that of personal ones.

According to the illustration, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of licensed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
franchised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
in 2007 was 522 which was exactly nine times higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personally
managed diners in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
.
Next
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year
, the former increased to 580 whereas the latter went up
slightly
and its
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number
was 62. In the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, 2009, another 101 chartered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
were established
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurant
dipped to 59. After two years, the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
franchised
eateries witnessed a hike, accounting 813 in total against
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
67 self-managed eateries. In the third quarter of 2012, the total
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number
of
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franchised
diners’
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number
reached to 913, adding 100 new entities in
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just
9 months, while this
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number
was 71 for
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personally
controlled eateries. As is obvious, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
franchised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
almost doubled in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
5 years while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
12 new personal
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restaurants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
up with the initial
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number
with a decrease in 2009 and 2011.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the number of own operated and Franchised restaurants from 2007 to 2012 in Someland. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
191 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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