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The bar graph below shows the active membership of private sector occupational pension scheme by benefit structure in the UK, 2007 to 2014. v.1

The bar graph below shows the active membership of private sector occupational pension scheme by benefit structure in the UK, 2007 to 2014. v. 1
The bar graph represents the millions of British people who are an active member of private occupational pension schemes from 2007 to 2014. Overall, the number of pension scheme received for defined benefits reduced whereas the defined contribution number had increased. It is interesting to note that, the latter two consecutive years showed a drastic incremental trend. In terms of defined benefits recorded at the highest of nearly 3 million British people for the memberships and this rate eventually dropped constantly and slowly until it reached at about 1. 5 million membership numbers in 2012. From 2013 to 2014, the number of membership remained unchanged at about 1. 3 million memberships for defined benefits. In contrast to this declining trend, defined contribution had an incremental trend with active memberships. To begin with, this application had the lowest number of active members of nearly 1 million British people had assigned which grew slowly but always stayed at near to 1 million memberships. This continued to 2013 where the contribution membership rose to about 1. 5 million memberships and this number skyrocketed to over 3 million memberships by 2014.
The bar graph represents the
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millions
of British
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are an active member of private occupational pension schemes from 2007 to 2014.

Overall
, the
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number
of pension scheme received for
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defined
benefits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
whereas the
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defined
contribution
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number
had increased. It is interesting to note that, the latter two consecutive years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a drastic incremental trend.

In terms of
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defined
benefits recorded at the highest of
nearly
3
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million
British
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for the
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memberships
and this rate
eventually
dropped
constantly
and
slowly
until it reached at about 1. 5
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million
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membership
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numbers
in 2012. From 2013 to 2014, the
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number
of
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membership
remained unchanged at about 1. 3
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million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
for
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defined
benefits.

In contrast
to this declining trend,
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defined
contribution had an incremental trend with active
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memberships
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, this application had the lowest
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number
of active members of
nearly
1
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million
British
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had assigned which grew
slowly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
always stayed at near to 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
. This continued to 2013 where the contribution
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membership
rose to about 1. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
and this
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number
skyrocketed to over 3
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million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
by 2014.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the active membership of private sector occupational pension scheme by benefit structure in the UK, 2007 to 2014. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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