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Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v.2

Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v. 2
The line graph illustrates how the proportion of unemployment of people aged between 16 and 24 years in England changed in the period of 20 years from 1993 to 2012. Overall, while the percentage of young adults who were jobless in England showed a fluctuating leapfrog, the overall rate of adults without job indicated a slight dip. In 1993, level of joblessness in 16 to 24-year-old English living in London took the lead, with roughly 22%, which was 5% higher than that of those living in the rest of England. Both figures then experienced a significant decrease and reached their rock bottom at 15% and 11% in 2002 and 2004 respectively. However, they gathered pace and made a recovery to increase steadily in the remainder of the surveyed period. (It is noted that the proportion of young adults living in the capital was merely higher than that of dwellers living outside London). In the year of 1993, the overall adult unemployment rate in London accounted for 14%, which was slightly higher than its counterpart-the rate in the rest of England, a difference of 4%. A striking similarity is that these figures then had a significant decrease in the 10 consecutive years and were below 10% at the end of the survey.
The line graph illustrates how the proportion of unemployment of
people
aged between 16 and 24 years in England
changed
in the period of 20 years from 1993 to 2012.

Overall
, while the percentage of young
adults
who were jobless in England
showed
a fluctuating leapfrog, the
overall
rate of
adults
without job indicated a slight dip.

In 1993, level of joblessness in 16 to 24-year-
old
English
living
in London took the lead, with roughly 22%, which was 5% higher than that of those
living
in the rest of England. Both figures then experienced a significant decrease and reached their rock bottom at 15% and 11% in 2002 and 2004
respectively
.
However
, they gathered pace and made a recovery to increase
steadily
in the remainder of the surveyed period. (It
is noted
that the proportion of young
adults
living
in the capital was
merely
higher than that of dwellers
living
outside London).

In the
year
of 1993, the
overall
adult unemployment rate in London accounted for 14%, which was
slightly
higher than its counterpart-the rate in the rest of England, a difference of 4%. A striking similarity is that these figures then had a significant decrease in the 10 consecutive years and were below 10% at the
end
of the survey.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS academic Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
211 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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