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The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v.4

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 4
The diagram outlines how the ratio of senior male developers increased between 1980 and 2010 in three tech companies, namely IBM, Microsoft and Apple. Overall, the senior male developers’ ratio in IBM increased remarkably despite its lowest percentage of such developers in early years. As is presented in the bar chart, Apple had the highest ratio of males in senior development positions, roughly 15%, in 1980 whereas Microsoft employed nearly 7% such males in senior developer position. IBM, on the contrary, had only around 3% males in higher positions in the development sector, which was the lowest. After a decade, the ratio of such employees in these tech companies accounted for roughly 10-12%. Afterwards, the proportion of male developers in higher posts in IBM noticeably increased and in 2010 well over half of the employees in IBM were male developers. Apple, on the other hand, retained almost one-quarter of such employees while Microsoft’s male developers in leading positions went as high as 45% in 2010.
The diagram outlines how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
increased between 1980 and 2010 in three tech
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
namely
IBM, Microsoft and Apple.
Overall
, the
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senior
male
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developers’
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ratio
in IBM increased
remarkably
despite its lowest percentage of such
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developers
in early years.

As
is presented
in the bar chart, Apple had the highest
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ratio
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
, roughly 15%, in 1980 whereas Microsoft employed
nearly
7% such
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males
in
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senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developer
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position
. IBM,
on the contrary
, had
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only
around 3%
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males
in higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
in the development sector, which was the lowest. After a decade, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of such employees in these tech
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
accounted for roughly 10-12%. Afterwards, the proportion of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
in higher posts in IBM
noticeably
increased and in 2010 well over half of the employees in IBM were male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
. Apple,
on the other hand
, retained almost one-quarter of such employees while Microsoft’s male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
in leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
went as high as 45% in 2010.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 4

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
165 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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