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The bar chart shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v.1

The bar chart shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 1
The graph compares two age groups in terms of 10 factors they think affecting their performance at work. It is clear that the majority of younger workers think chance to improve themself is the most important factor. Additionally, except for four factors, which is personal development, working environment, job security and promotion, two groups' opinions are relatively similar. Over 90% of people aged between 18 and 30 years old believe that self development is the most important, while only 40% of 40-to 60-year-olds agree. Two other factors that popular among young workers are relaxed working environment and promotion prospects, at 80% each, compared to only around 40% of older workers think that they are important. More than 60% people at work believe that team spirit and money affect work performance. Meanwhile, only 50% workers all ages think competent boss and job satisfaction are vital. It is interesting to note that while only 20% of people aged 45 to 60 consider job security as important to work performance, the proportion of young people concern about that factor is doubled, at 40%.
The graph compares two age groups in terms of 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
affecting their performance at work.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the majority of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
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factor
.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, which is personal development, working environment, job security and promotion, two
Possible spelling mistake found.
groups&
#039; opinions are
relatively
similar.

Over 90% of
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people
aged between 18 and 30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
believe that self development is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, while
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only
40% of 40-to 60-year-olds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. Two other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that popular among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are relaxed
working environment and promotion prospects, at 80% each, compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
around 40% of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

More than 60%
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people
at work believe that team spirit and money affect work performance. Meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
50%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
all ages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
competent boss and job satisfaction are vital. It is interesting to note that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
20% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 45 to 60 consider job security as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to work performance, the proportion of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
concern about that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is doubled
, at 40%.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The bar chart shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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