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The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v.2

The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v. 2
The bar chart compares the proportion of dependents in five various countries around the world between 2000 and 2050. It is obvious that the average percentage of world independents is predicted to rise to about 42% in 2050 from around 25% in 2000. In 2000, of all the five countries, India possessed the highest percentage dependents, with almost 40%, while Korea owned the lowest proportion—just below 20%, less than the world average. The number of dependents in the rest countries—Indonesia, China, Japan—was the same, at about 35%. In the future of 2050, the rising trends happen in Indonesia, China, Korea, and Japan. The ratio of the dependents in Korea is estimated to ascend most greatly to about 42% in 2050, which will be as large as that of the world. Japan is forecast to increase by 12% during the fifty years, possessing the largest rate of independents of the five(47%) in 2050. It is of interest to notice that the increase of dependents in Indonesia and China is expected to be the same, from 35% in 2000 to 39% in 2050. However, in India, the number of the dependents is expected to decline to around 30% in 2050.
The bar chart compares the proportion of dependents in five various countries around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
between 2000 and 2050. It is obvious that the average percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
independents
is predicted
to rise to about 42% in 2050 from around 25% in 2000.

In 2000, of all the five countries, India possessed the highest percentage dependents, with almost 40%, while Korea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
the lowest proportion—
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 20%, less than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
average. The number of dependents in the rest countries—Indonesia, China, Japan—was the same, at about 35%.

In the future of 2050, the rising trends happen in Indonesia, China, Korea, and Japan. The ratio of the dependents in Korea
is estimated
to ascend most
greatly
to about 42% in 2050, which will be as large as that of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. Japan is forecast to increase by 12% during the fifty years, possessing the largest rate of independents of the five(47%) in 2050. It is of interest to notice that the increase of dependents in Indonesia and China is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be the same, from 35% in 2000 to 39% in 2050.
However
, in India, the number of the dependents is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to decline to around 30% in 2050.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS academic The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
198 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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