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The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 5
The provided bar chart outlines informations about senior developer men employees working for IBM, Microsoft and Apple from 1980 to 2010. It is seen from the illustration, that IBM over the compared period experienced significant increase peaking in 2010, when percentage of senior developers in Apple remained almost same. Only in 1990, all three compared IT companies had similar amount of male IT specialist. IBM over three decades increased number of senior male employees almost sixty times from beginning roughly three percent in 1980 to more than sixty per cent in 2010. Microsoft had slightly below and little above 10 per cent of senior developers for two decades. Number of senior male developers increased almost three times from about 15 per cent in 2000 to approximately 45 per cent in 2010. Data of Apple male senior developers remained almost and did not showed any significant increase from 1980 to 2010 (15 per cent, 25 per cent).
The provided bar chart outlines
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
about
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senior
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developer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
employees working for IBM, Microsoft and Apple from 1980 to 2010. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the illustration, that IBM over the compared period experienced significant increase peaking in 2010, when percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
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developers
in Apple remained
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almost
same.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
in 1990, all three compared IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
had similar amount of male IT specialist.

IBM over three decades increased number of
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senior
male employees
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almost
sixty times from beginning roughly three percent in 1980 to more than sixty per cent in 2010.

Microsoft had
slightly
below and
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little
above 10 per cent of
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senior
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developers
for two decades. Number of
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senior
male
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developers
increased
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almost
three times from about 15 per cent in 2000 to approximately 45 per cent in 2010.

Data of Apple male
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senior
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developers
remained
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almost
and did not
After the auxiliary verb 'do', use the base form of a verb. Did you mean "show"?
showed
any significant increase from 1980 to 2010 (15 per cent, 25 per cent).
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 5

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
156 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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