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The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v.2

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v. 2
The bar chart depicts the students passing high school competency exams by subject as well as gender in 2010-2011. The striking feature of the chart is the more than half of the girls passed the computer science exam. At a fleeting glance, it is clearly seen that boys were ahead of girls with a margin of 2% in clearing the exam of physics. However, only 14. 1% boys passed the chemistry exam whereas 30. 2% girls did the same. Meanwhile, almost equal count of pupils was proficient in the foreign languages as well as mathematics that was around 47% and 49% respectively. The girls had the least interest in the geography while the boys were around 10% ahead comparatively. Last but not least, 25. 6% girls and 22. 9% boys passed the history test. To sum up, girls performed ameliorate to the boys in all the subjects except geography in the competency exam.
The bar chart depicts the students passing high school competency exams by subject
as well
as gender in 2010-2011. The striking feature of the chart is the more than half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
passed the computer science exam.

At a fleeting glance, it is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
were ahead of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
with a margin of 2% in clearing the exam of physics.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
14. 1%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
passed the chemistry exam whereas 30. 2%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
did the same. Meanwhile, almost equal count of pupils was proficient in the foreign languages
as well
as mathematics that was around 47% and 49%
respectively
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
had the least interest in the geography while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
were around 10% ahead
comparatively
. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, 25. 6%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
and 22. 9%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
passed the history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
performed ameliorate to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
in all the subjects except geography in the competency exam.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
153 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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