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THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v.2

THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v. 2
The bar chart reveals the information about the proportion of men and women lived in the Australia who performed regular exercise in the year 2010. Overall, the percentage of male who had an age of 15 to 24 did more exercise than other age group, while the highest proportion of female were belongs to 45 to 54 age group. Surprisingly, women were more active in physical activity than men, except teenagers. To begin with, men did more exercise than women in the group aged between 15 to 24, figured at 52. 8% and 47. 7%, respectively, in which male reached their peak proportion of all ages. Furthermore, at the age between 35 to 44, women totally outnumbered men with difference of 13%. This scenario continued till the age of 64 years, with an average difference of 9. 5%. However, at the age of 65 or more, almost the same percentage of men and women engaged themselves in physical activity, which comprises 46. 7% and 47. 1%, respectively
The bar chart reveals the information about the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
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women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in the Australia who performed regular exercise in the year 2010.

Overall
, the percentage of male who had an
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age
of 15 to 24 did more exercise than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group, while the highest proportion of female were belongs to 45 to 54
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age
group.
Surprisingly
,
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women
were more active in physical activity than
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men
, except
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
did more exercise than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the group aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 15 and 24".
between 15 to 24
, figured at 52. 8% and 47. 7%,
respectively
, in which male reached their peak proportion of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
Furthermore
, at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 35 and 44".
between 35 to 44
,
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women
totally
outnumbered
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men
with difference of 13%. This scenario continued till the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 64 years, with an average difference of 9. 5%.

However
, at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65 or more, almost the same percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
engaged themselves in physical activity, which comprises 46. 7% and 47. 1%,
respectively
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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