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The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v.1

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v. 1
The bar graph compares how much Americans, Canadians, English and Japanese spent on food, housing, transportation, health care and clothing in 2009. Generally speaking, housing and food cost more to these nationalities than other expenses in this year. As is given in the column graph, Japanese spent around 23% money on food and this ratio was higher than that of other nationalities. UK residents’ spending on food was one-fifth of their total expenditure while it was less than 15% for the citizens of the USA and Canada. Housing on an average drained the highest percentages of money and it was more expensive in the United States as more than one-fourth of their money went on arranging accommodation. All other nationalities had to spend between 20% – 24% for housing. Transportation cost, on the other hand, was highest in Canada and one-fifth of spending by Canadians were for commuting. Japanese people spent the least on commuting and it was 10% or their expenses. Interestingly, these nationalities spent around 5% money on clothing which was slightly higher than that of their medical expenses. Us citizens had to spend the highest on health care which accounted for around 7% of their cost while it was the lowest in the UK.
The bar graph compares how much Americans, Canadians, English and Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, housing, transportation, health care and clothing in 2009.
Generally
speaking, housing and
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food
cost more to these
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nationalities
than
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other
expenses in this year.

As is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the column graph, Japanese
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spent
around 23%
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money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and this ratio was higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nationalities
.
The genitive is possibly missing.
UK residents
’ spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
was one-fifth of their total expenditure while it was less than 15% for the citizens of the USA and Canada. Housing on an average drained the highest percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and it was more expensive in the United States as more than one-fourth of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
went on arranging accommodation. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nationalities
had to spend between 20%
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
24% for housing.

Transportation cost, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, was highest in Canada and one-fifth of spending by Canadians were for commuting. Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
the least on commuting and it was 10% or their expenses.
Interestingly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nationalities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
around 5%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on clothing which was
slightly
higher than that of their medical expenses. Us citizens had to spend the highest on health care which accounted for around 7% of their cost while it was the lowest in the UK.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
207 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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