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The following graph shows the percentage of unemployment rates for the female in the UK. v.1

The following graph shows the percentage of unemployment rates for the female in the UK. v. 1
The bar graph outlines the female unemployment rates in four counties in the United Kingdom in 2013 and 2014. Generally speaking, 5 to 7 percent women in these provinces were jobless in 2013 and in a year this rate dropped slightly except in Scotland. According to the given illustration, 6. 8 percent women in England were jobless in 2013 which was higher than the female unemployment rates in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Female unemployment ratio in Wales was 5. 4 % which was the lowest among the given counties. The ratio of unemployed females in Scotland and Northern Ireland stood at 6. 1% and 5. 6% respective. After a year, the unemployment ratio among females in England, Wales and Northern Ireland dropped by 0. 2% to 0. 4% and stayed between 4. 6 to 6. 5 percentages but it actually increases in Scotland. The rate of unemployed females in Scotland became the highest in 2014 which was 6. 7%.   the lowest unemployment among female could be observed in Northern Ireland in this year.
The bar graph outlines the
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female
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unemployment
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rates
in four counties in the United Kingdom in 2013 and 2014.
Generally
speaking, 5 to 7 percent women in these provinces were jobless in 2013 and in a year this
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rate
dropped
slightly
except in Scotland.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, 6. 8 percent women in England were jobless in 2013 which was higher than the
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female
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unemployment
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rates
in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.
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Female
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unemployment
ratio in Wales was 5. 4 % which was the lowest among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
counties. The ratio of unemployed
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females
in Scotland and Northern Ireland stood at 6. 1% and 5. 6% respective.

After a year, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
ratio among
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females
in England, Wales and Northern Ireland dropped by 0. 2% to 0. 4% and stayed between 4. 6 to 6. 5 percentages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it actually increases in Scotland. The
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rate
of unemployed
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females
in Scotland became the highest in 2014 which was 6. 7%.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
lowest
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unemployment
among
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female
could
be observed
in Northern Ireland in this year.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS academic The following graph shows the percentage of unemployment rates for the female in the UK. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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