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Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v.2

Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 2
The figure elucidates the expenditure’s shares for several categories in United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan in 2009. At first glance, it is evident that in comparison with other sectors, housing had a higher number of shares of expenditures instead of others. To begin with, housing approximately had the same percentages for all nations in 2009, between at just above a quarter and just over two-tenths. Nevertheless, food faced a difference scheme, over all, only Japan that succeeded to achieve at well across two-tenths, and other states roughly in between a fifth and just under fifteen in a hundred. However, In 2009, all states had the percentage of transportation aspect, which constituted in between two in ten and one in ten. In contrast, health care and clothing witnessed a few number of expenditures in four countries. It is able to be seen that in health care, only United States that is able to finish at well beyond 10% and other nations are lower rather than United States, which accounted for just less than one-tenths. On the other hand, the number of shares of expenditures of Canada and United Kingdom, which was just above a tenth, is higher than United States and Japan, which made up at just below 10%.
The figure elucidates the
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expenditure’s
shares for several categories in
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United
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
States
, Canada,
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United
Kingdom and Japan in 2009. At
first
glance, it is evident that
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors, housing had a higher number of shares of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditures
instead
of others.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, housing approximately had the same percentages for all nations in 2009, between at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above a quarter and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over two-tenths.
Nevertheless
, food faced a difference scheme, over all,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Japan that succeeded to achieve at well across two-tenths, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
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states
roughly in between a fifth and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under fifteen in a hundred.
However
, In 2009, all
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states
had the percentage of transportation aspect, which constituted in between two in ten and one in ten.

In contrast
, health care and clothing witnessed a
Possible agreement error. The noun number seems to be countable; consider using: "few numbers".
few number
of
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expenditures
in four countries. It is able to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that in health care,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
United
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
States
that is
able to finish at well beyond 10% and
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other
nations are lower
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
United
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
States
, which accounted for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
less than one-tenths. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the number of shares of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditures
of Canada and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
United
Kingdom, which was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above a tenth, is higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
United
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
States
and Japan, which made up at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 10%.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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