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The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v.2

The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v. 2
How many km3 water in the world was consumed by the agricultural sector, industrial use, and domestic use during 100 years since 1910 are depicted by the graph. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge from the graph is that the figure for agriculture showed its superiority over that for other sectors in the use of water. In addition, not only did the timeline experiences an increase in the worldwide water used by the agricultural sector but that by industrial use and domestic use as well. In 1910, it is clearly seen that agriculture have the larger number of water use worldwide, which was accounted for around 500. This was followed by the level of industrial use and domestic use. While the former was recorded at roughly 20, the latter was noted at approximately 10 -the smallest number in this statistical data. 1000 years later, water used by the agricultural sector rocketed dramatically by nearly 500%. Moreover, there was a similar pattern in the number of worldwide water consumed by the industrial sector, witnessing a significant growth to roughly 1500 at the end of the period. However, the figure for domestic use is again the exception, with a slight rise of about 140.
How
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
km3
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water
in the world
was consumed
by the agricultural
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sector
,
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industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, and
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domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
during 100 years since 1910
are depicted
by the graph.
Overall
, the most significant fact to emerge from the graph is that the figure for agriculture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
its superiority over that for other
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sectors
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
.
In addition
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
did the timeline experiences an increase in the worldwide
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the agricultural
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sector
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that by
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industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and
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domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
as well
.

In 1910, it is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that agriculture have the larger number of
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
worldwide, which
was accounted
for around 500. This
was followed
by the level of
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industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and
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domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. While the former
was recorded
at roughly 20, the latter
was noted
at approximately 10 -the
A determiner is probably missing here: "the smallest".
smallest
number in this statistical data.

1000 years later,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the agricultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
rocketed
dramatically
by
nearly
500%.
Moreover
, there was a similar pattern in the number of worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
consumed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, witnessing a significant growth to roughly 1500 at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.
However
, the figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is again the exception, with a slight rise of about 140.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
203 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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