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Some people think that government should give money to creative people such as artists and musicians. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that government should give money to creative people such as artists and musicians. v. 2
It is often argued that creative people like artists and musicians should receive financial support from the government. I completely agree with this statement and think that money should be offered for these talented people. First of all, people like musicians and artists of a country are often paid less than they deserve. In other words, people like them use their creativity and skills in the form of arts, paintings and music. However, the money that they receive through the sale of the art or by entertaining thousands of people is really low in figure. To illustrate this, an artist so called ‘Adam Thigh’ was recently interviewed on television where he expressed his poor financial situation despite selling artefacts and paintings. Hence, the government should take the responsibility of supporting these poor individuals. Secondly, artists and musicians play an vital role in preserving a country’s culture and traditions. Even though, musicians are considered as a form of entertainment for many, they also maintain the value of traditional musics through the use of historical musical instruments. Similarly, the artefacts and paintings made by various artist are often bought by tourists and this has became a way of promoting our culture to an international level. For instance, the Madison painting of the 1960s is a valuable piece of art from a German artist which is still hanged on the UK museum. So, I believe these creativity should be appreciated in the form of money. In conclusion, I strongly agree that the government should offer money to artists and musicians because of their poor economic situation and the role they play in promoting our traditions.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
should receive financial support from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that money should
be offered
for these talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
of a country are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
paid less than they deserve.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their creativity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the form of arts,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paintings
and music.
However
, the money that they receive through the sale of the art or by entertaining thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
really
low in figure. To illustrate this, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
called ‘Adam Thigh’ was recently interviewed on television where he expressed his poor financial situation despite selling
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paintings
.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take the responsibility of supporting these poor individuals.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
play
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
vital role in preserving a country’s culture and traditions.
Even though
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
are considered
as a form of entertainment for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, they
also
maintain the value of traditional musics through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of historical musical instruments.
Similarly
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paintings
made by various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
by tourists and this has
Use past participle here: "become".
became
a way of promoting our culture to an international level.
For instance
, the Madison
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
of the 1960s is a valuable piece of art from a German
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
which is
still
hanged on the UK museum.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe
Did you mean "this creativity" or "these creativities"?
these creativity
should
be appreciated
in the form of money.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should offer money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their poor economic situation and the role they play in promoting our traditions.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS academic Some people think that government should give money to creative people such as artists and musicians. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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