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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v.19

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 19
Currently, due to the impressive development of technology, people can be monitored in everywhere for any purposes without any notice. Although I agree that there are benefit of this development, I believe that there are more serious drawbacks. It seems positive that hidden monitor equipments can be very helpful when crimes happen in that spaces. Becuase, detectors and police can catch the criminals by using them. For instance, if the crime scene was recorded by security cameras, the figure of criminal could be checked and it might give some advantages to police. However, it can be used to support criminals and actually in the reality that happens all the time nowdays. There are so many cases that sexual criminals put micro-camera in public toilet of women and record the whole situations happened in stalls. There is also another case of abusing monitor equipments. By using cellphone tracking, criminals can take private informations of people and then use them to take tons of money off from them. Besides, monitoring people can also invade private and human' s right in work place. Especially in Korea, employers monitor their employees without any notice and tease their workers when they try to take a break time because the employers just want employees to work only. That take away human' s right from workers, which is to be guaranted. For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that the drawbacks of technology development about monitoring people outweigh its benefits because there are so many possibilities to be used in the wrong way.
Currently
, due to the impressive development of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be monitored
in everywhere for any purposes without any notice. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there are benefit of this development, I believe that there are more serious drawbacks.

It seems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
that hidden monitor equipments can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful when crimes happen in that spaces.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Becuase
, detectors and police can catch the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
by using them.
For instance
, if the crime scene
was recorded
by security cameras, the figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
and it might give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages to police.

However
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
and actually in the reality that happens all the time
Possible spelling mistake found.
nowdays
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases that sexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
put micro-camera in public toilet of women and record the whole situations happened in stalls. There is
also
another case of abusing monitor equipments. By using cellphone tracking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
can take private
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to take tons of money off from them.

Besides
, monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
also
invade private and
Possible spelling mistake found.
human&
#039; s right in work place.
Especially
in Korea, employers monitor their employees without any notice and tease their workers when they try to take a break time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want employees to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. That take away
Possible spelling mistake found.
human&
#039; s right from workers, which is to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
guaranted
.

For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that the drawbacks of technology development about monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
outweigh its benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
possibilities to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS academic Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 19

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
257 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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