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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v.19

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 19
Currently, due to the impressive development of technology, people can be monitored in everywhere for any purposes without any notice. Although I agree that there are benefit of this development, I believe that there are more serious drawbacks. It seems positive that hidden monitor equipments can be very helpful when crimes happen in that spaces. Becuase, detectors and police can catch the criminals by using them. For instance, if the crime scene was recorded by security cameras, the figure of criminal could be checked and it might give some advantages to police. However, it can be used to support criminals and actually in the reality that happens all the time nowdays. There are so many cases that sexual criminals put micro-camera in public toilet of women and record the whole situations happened in stalls. There is also another case of abusing monitor equipments. By using cellphone tracking, criminals can take private informations of people and then use them to take tons of money off from them. Besides, monitoring people can also invade private and human' s right in work place. Especially in Korea, employers monitor their employees without any notice and tease their workers when they try to take a break time because the employers just want employees to work only. That take away human' s right from workers, which is to be guaranted. For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that the drawbacks of technology development about monitoring people outweigh its benefits because there are so many possibilities to be used in the wrong way.
Currently
, due to the impressive development of technology,
people
can
be monitored
in everywhere for any purposes without any notice. Although I
agree
that there are benefit of this development, I believe that there are more serious drawbacks.

It seems
positive
that hidden monitor equipments can be
very
helpful when crimes happen in that spaces.
Becuase
, detectors and police can catch the
criminals
by using them.
For instance
, if the crime scene
was recorded
by security cameras, the figure of
criminal
could be
checked
and it might give
some
advantages to police.

However
, it can be
used
to support
criminals
and actually in the reality that happens all the time
nowdays
. There are
so
many
cases that sexual
criminals
put micro-camera in public toilet of women and record the whole situations happened in stalls. There is
also
another case of abusing monitor equipments. By using cellphone tracking,
criminals
can take private
informations
of
people
and then
use
them to take tons of money off from them.

Besides
, monitoring
people
can
also
invade private and
human&
#039; s right in work place.
Especially
in Korea, employers monitor their employees without any notice and tease their workers when they try to take a break time
because
the employers
just
want employees to work
only
. That take away
human&
#039; s right from workers, which is to be
guaranted
.

For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that the drawbacks of technology development about monitoring
people
outweigh its benefits
because
there are
so
many
possibilities to be
used
in the
wrong
way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS academic Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 19

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
257 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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