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Youth drug abuse is a serious problem what are possible cause of this behavior Do you have any suggestions to control that give reason for your answer and includes any relevant ex from own knowledge v.1

Youth drug abuse is a serious problem what are possible cause of this behavior Do you have any suggestions to control that give reason for your answer and includes any relevant ex from own knowledge v. 1
Recently, there has been a gradual transformation in the household structure and the way each member contributes to the family. In this essay, I would like to discuss several possible changes and demonstrate that those changes are beneficial. To begin with, the way a family is organized is far different from that in the past. Firstly, men and women are now sharing the role of breadwinners. A few decades ago, fathers were those who earned money to raise the family, while nurturing progeny was the responsibility shouldered by mothers. Today, as a logical effect of gender equality, professional opportunities are available for people of both sexes, leading to the fact that both men and women should exert effort to make ends meet. Secondly, people now incline to form nuclear families. The escalating competitiveness of the job market accompanying with the higher demands of living standards drives people to work overtime and have fewer children. From my perspective, the aforementioned changes are advantageous. The first benefit is that the financial pressure that parents of medium-sized families have to burden is far less significant than that of large families. This allows them to save money for long term purposes, such as affording a house or sending their children overseas for tertiary education. Another significant advantage is that the children of such busy parents can learn how to live independently and acquire a diverse mixture of qualities at a young age. For example, many youths today have to prepare meals and arrange the study schedules themselves, which helps to sharpen up their self-reliance. In conclusion, I would like to reaffirm my position that the household structure and the role of each family member are altered positively.
Recently, there has been a gradual transformation in the household structure and the way each member contributes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In this essay, I would like to discuss several possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and demonstrate that those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are beneficial.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the way a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is organized
is far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from that in the past.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
sharing the role of breadwinners. A few decades ago, fathers were those who earned money to raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, while nurturing progeny was the responsibility shouldered by mothers.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, as a logical effect of gender equality, professional opportunities are available for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of both sexes, leading to the fact that both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women should exert effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
incline to form nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. The escalating competitiveness of the job market
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanying by".
accompanying with
the higher demands of living standards drives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to work overtime and have fewer children.

From my perspective, the aforementioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are advantageous. The
first
benefit is that the financial pressure that parents of medium-sized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
burden is far less significant than that of large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to save money for long term purposes, such as affording a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or sending their children overseas for tertiary education. Another significant advantage is that the children of such busy parents can learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
and acquire a diverse mixture of qualities at a young age.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
prepare meals and arrange the study schedules themselves, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to sharpen up their self-reliance.

In conclusion
, I would like to reaffirm my position that the household structure and the role of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member
are altered
positively
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Youth drug abuse is a serious problem what are possible cause of this behavior Do you have any suggestions to control that give reason for your answer and includes any relevant ex from own knowledge v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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