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Your university's cafeteria is planning to change its food menu and provide student with healthy and low calorie foods only. What is your opinion and why? What are the advantage and disadvantage of this change. Include reasons and examples to support your v.1

Your university's cafeteria is planning to change its food menu and provide student with healthy and low calorie foods only. What is your opinion and why? What are the advantage and disadvantage of this change. Include reasons and examples to support your v. 1
These days, the vast majority of people are doing their own business instead of working for private sectors or institutions. There are several reasons why people choose self-employments; however, there have many drawbacks of being self-employed. There are two main reasons why people want to do their own business. The main reason is for earning lots of money. Running their own business gives them a chance to make more money because they don't need to share the profit with other, the harder they can work the more profit they will get. The second reason is for independence and flexibility. People can make their own decision and will be free from under pressure of boss like how much they must expand or make the profit to meet with the target goal of their products that forced by their employers. Furthermore, if a person work full time job for long hours, he will not have enough time for family and friends, so he will be isolated and distant with his environment. Therefore, a lot of people are choosing self-employment for earning more money and for having a good balance between work and life. Nevertheless, there are some problems to be self-employed. They have to take on more responsibility for many issues such as finical crisis, customers and worker problems. Therefore, they will be stressful for taking action of various problems. Unless they careful for such issue, they would be bankrupt and finally they will become unemployed. Moreover, To conclude, chossing their own business would be earn more money and have life-work balance, however, there has some disadvantages such as stressful and
These days, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
instead
of working for private sectors or institutions. There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose self-employments;
however
, there have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks of being self-employed.

There are two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to do their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is for earning lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
gives them a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don't need to share the profit with other, the harder they can work the more profit they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is for independence and flexibility.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision and will be free from under pressure of boss like how much they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
expand or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the profit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with the target goal of their products that forced by their employers.
Furthermore
, if a person work full time job for long hours, he will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for family and friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he will
be isolated
and distant with his environment.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are choosing self-employment for earning more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and for having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
balance between work and life.

Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems to be self-employed. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take on more responsibility for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues such as finical crisis, customers and worker problems.
Therefore
, they will be stressful for taking action of various problems. Unless they
The usual collocation for "careful" is "with" not "for". Did you mean "careful with"?
careful for
such issue, they would be bankrupt and
finally
they will become unemployed.
Moreover
,

To conclude
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
chossing
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
would be
Consider using the past participle "earned"?
earn
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and have life-work balance,
however
, there has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages such as stressful and
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Your university's cafeteria is planning to change its food menu and provide student with healthy and low calorie foods only. What is your opinion and why? What are the advantage and disadvantage of this change. Include reasons and examples to support your v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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