Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Your government has announced that it wishes to build a military base near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the military base? Explain your position. v.1

Your government has announced that it wishes to build a military base near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the military base? Explain your position. v. 1
Teaching children how to be productive members in society has always been an important topic to tackle. However, is it the main responsibility of the parents or the school? In my opinion, it is primarily the responsibility of the parents, but also the school should contribute to support the parents' behaviour. Firstly, children spend most of their time with their parents and they learn every aspect of life from them. For instance, they learn to eat, dress and talk just by watching their parents and mimicking them. Thus, parents could be good members in society themselves and the children would learn that automatically. Moreover, parents have the highest impact on their children, especially in young age. A child would do everything to see his parents proud of him. Therefore, whenever a child contributes to the society in a good way, even if it is very small, the look of contentment and pride his parents give him would encourage him to do more. On the other hand, children get to know their first community other than their parents in schools. They learn several new things and they start to develop new friendships and social interactions. Here comes the role of the school, where they need to support the parents' views or the children will have an unstable personality. For example, if the parents' instructed their children to throw garbage in the bin, and the school allowed them to throw it on the floor, the consequences of this contradictory act would make the child not know what is correct and what is not. Additionally, school would teach the child new things not encountered at home, so it basically complements the parent's actions. In conclusion, opinions differed about the main responsibility holder to bring up children to be good members in society. In my opinion, both parents and schools contribute in this procedure and subsequently they both have to be on the same page.
Teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to be productive members in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has always been an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
topic to tackle.
However
, is it the main responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
? In my opinion, it is
primarily
the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should contribute to support the parents'
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their time with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
every aspect of life from them.
For instance
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to eat, dress and talk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by watching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and mimicking them.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
themselves and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
that
automatically
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the highest impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
in young age. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would do everything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
proud of him.
Therefore
, whenever a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
contributes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way, even if it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, the look of contentment and pride his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give him would encourage him to do more.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know their
first
community other than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
several new
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to develop new friendships and social interactions. Here
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
the role of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, where they need to support the parents' views or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have an unstable personality.
For example
, if the parents' instructed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to throw garbage in the bin, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
them to throw it on the floor, the consequences of this contradictory act would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
not know what is correct and what is not.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
would teach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
new things not encountered at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
basically
complements the parent's actions.

In conclusion
, opinions differed about the main responsibility holder to bring up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In my opinion, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
contribute in this procedure and
subsequently
they both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be on the same page.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Your government has announced that it wishes to build a military base near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the military base? Explain your position. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts