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Your friend wants a pet but has never owned one before and doesn’t know what to choose. What advice would you give and why v.1

Your friend wants a pet but has never owned one before and doesn’t know what to choose. What advice would you give and why v. 1
In this modern epoch, individuals are suffering from different kind of diseases such as cancer, diabetes and asthma. One of them obesity is also a major problem among people. I would like to discuss the reasons behind this problem and solutions how the ailment of obesity can be reduced. To begin with, obesity is a common disease in young and old people. First and foremost reason is that individuals do not have much time to cook food at their home because they are very busy in their life. They spend their most of the time in their office due to long duration of time period of office work. Owing to this reason, they prefer to eat ready mat food rather than to cook food at their home. Moreover, masses like to live sedentary life style. They do less exercises in their daily routine, which increase the level of obesity in all the ages of people. On the other hand, the problem of obesity can overcome by different ways, such as in school teachers should teach to learners about healthy diet. Further, given that in learning institutes, health related subject should be mandatory. In addition to this, government should organized seminars in which they provide the information about the detrimental effects of overweight. Apart from this, parents also should consume healthy nutrients in their daily meal. As a result, their children would also follow them. Which will help the children to maintain the fitness. In conclusion, overweight has very bad results. People should also take the initiative to control ailment of obesity and should aware their offspring regarding this problem.
In this modern epoch, individuals are suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of diseases such as cancer, diabetes and asthma. One of them obesity is
also
a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. I would like to discuss the reasons behind this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and solutions how the ailment of obesity can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, obesity is a common disease in young and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
First
and foremost reason is that individuals do not have much time to cook food at their home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
busy in their life. They spend their most of the time in their office due to long duration of time period of office work. Owing to this reason, they prefer to eat ready mat food
rather
than to cook food at their home.
Moreover
, masses like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
sedentary life style. They do
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun exercises is countable.
less
exercises in their daily routine, which increase the level of obesity in all the ages of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of obesity can overcome by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways, such as in school teachers should teach to learners about healthy diet.
Further
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that in learning institutes, health related subject should be mandatory.
In addition
to this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "organize"
organized
seminars in which they provide the information about the detrimental effects of overweight. Apart from this, parents
also
should consume healthy nutrients in their daily meal.
As a result
, their children would
also
follow them.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the children to maintain the fitness.

In conclusion
, overweight has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
results.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should
also
take the initiative to control ailment of obesity and should aware their offspring regarding this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Your friend wants a pet but has never owned one before and doesn’t know what to choose. What advice would you give and why v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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