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Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting a culture. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting a culture. v. 1
The issue of the moral education of children has become a subject of much debate over the recent years. Some firmly believe that it is the duty of the parents while others say that schools bear the responsibility. In this essay, I shall examine both sides and offer my opinion, which is that the primary responsibility lies with the parents. Admittedly, many consider schools a second home to children, where they learn essential social skills. Thus it is often thought that because a school provides greater opportunities for children to interact with one another, it is the right place for students to learn how to become worthy members of society. For instance, sports played at school teach children the value of teamwork and co-operation. Another pertinent example in this regard is the fact that schools conduct various charity drives to raise the social consciousness of the students. Despite the above arguments; however, it cannot be denied that parents are the primary caregivers for their children. So undoubtedly they bear the chief duty of raising their children as ethical, compassionate, and socially responsible citizens. Furthermore, it can be observed that numerous studies conducted in the field of social research have shown that children who do not have a stable home life are far more likely to fall into a life of crime. To cite an example, communities in the US, where family units are not strong, witness higher rates of juvenile delinquency. In conclusion, I reiterate my view that both parents and teachers play an important role in inculcating core values in children; however, it cannot be disputed that parents do have a more significant role in this regard.
The issue of the moral education of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has become a subject of much debate over the recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
firmly
believe that it is the duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
while others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
bear the responsibility. In this essay, I shall examine both sides and offer my opinion, which is that the primary responsibility lies with the parents.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
a second home to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, where they learn essential social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
provides greater opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to interact with one another, it is the right place for students to learn how to become worthy members of society.
For instance
, sports played at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the value of teamwork and co-operation. Another pertinent example in this regard is the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
conduct various charity drives to raise the social consciousness of the students.

Despite the above arguments;
however
, it cannot
be denied
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the primary caregivers for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
undoubtedly
they bear the chief duty of raising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as ethical, compassionate, and
socially
responsible citizens.
Furthermore
, it can
be observed
that numerous studies conducted in the field of social research have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who do not have a stable home life are far more likely to fall into a life of crime. To cite an example, communities in the US, where family units are not strong, witness higher rates of juvenile delinquency.

In conclusion
, I reiterate my view that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in inculcating core values in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
however
, it cannot
be disputed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do have a more significant role in this regard.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting a culture. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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