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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement? v.5

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far v. 5
It is often said that the youth of today should frequently engage in cultural activities such as music and theatre rather than sport. Personally, I completely disagree with this view, as now will be discussed. Young people nowadays should indulge in sports since this could be advantageous to their physical health. Playing sports could allow them to stay in shape as well as have more energy at work or school, which may help increase their productivity. For instance, since taking up swimming and badminton a year ago, I have felt so stronger and healthier than ever before that I have managed to stay productive and survive working long hours. Moreover, compared to those with low levels of physical activity, physically active people are more likely to maintain a healthy weight. Thus, they would be able to prevent themselves from some life-threatening diseases, namely heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure. In addition to physical health, there are other positive benefits which sport participation could provide for children and young adults. Firstly, playing sports would give them a chance to spend time with their classmates or colleagues. This could be considered an effective way for them to maintain healthy relationships which may enable them to combat stress, overcome loneliness, build their career, improve their job performance or academic results, and so on. For instance, by playing a football game together frequently, office workers could build and develop stronger work relationships with their colleagues to make their job more enjoyable and productive. Secondly, involvement in sports would permit the youth to build self-discipline and teamwork skills. This in turn may increase the likelihood of their academic and career success. In conclusion, I entirely disagree with the idea of encouraging young people to participate in more cultural activities in lieu of sports.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that the youth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
should
frequently
engage in cultural activities such as music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Personally
, I completely disagree with this view, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
will
be discussed
.

Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays should indulge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
since this could be advantageous to their physical health. Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to stay in shape
as well
as have more energy at work or school, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase their productivity.
For instance
, since taking up swimming and badminton a year ago, I have felt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
stronger and healthier than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that I have managed to stay productive and survive working long hours.
Moreover
, compared to those with low levels of physical activity,
physically
active
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more likely to maintain a healthy weight.
Thus
, they would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life-threatening diseases,
namely
heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure.

In addition
to physical health, there are other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
benefits which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
participation could provide for children and young adults.
Firstly
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
would give them a chance to spend time with their classmates or colleagues. This could
be considered
an effective way for them to maintain healthy relationships which may enable them to combat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, overcome loneliness, build their career,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their job performance or academic results, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, by playing a football game together
frequently
, office workers could build and develop stronger work relationships with their colleagues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their job more enjoyable and productive.
Secondly
, involvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
would permit the youth to build self-discipline and teamwork
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. This in turn may increase the likelihood of their academic and career success.

In conclusion
, I
entirely
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of encouraging young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to participate in more cultural activities in lieu of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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