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Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music theatre and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement?

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theater and less time on sport. How far v. 3
It’s thought that youth should engage in cultural activities such as music and theatre rather than sport. Personally, I partly agree with that idea because both of them plays a key role in people’s life. First of all, participation of youth in cultural activities are beneficial their mental health while sport is necessary for Youth’s physical health. After participating in a cultural activity they can get relaxation and happiness. Watching a play at the theatre is one of the best way relaxing and while watching a play people tend to forget their own problems and give attention to only a play and see how the story unfold. Secondly, engagement in sport can help many young people to stay healthy. Playing sport could allow them to stay in shape as well as have more energy to work or study. Besides, by taking part in team sports people could build friendly relationship with their colleagues to make their work or study more enjoyable. In conclusion, while cultural engagement is meaningful for youth’s mental health. They should take part in sport activities for their physical health.
It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
should engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
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activities
such as music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
rather
than
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sport
.
Personally
, I partly
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agree
with that
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idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both of them
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plays
a key role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, participation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
in
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cultural
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activities
are beneficial their mental
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health
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Youth’s
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. After participating in a
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cultural
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activity
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxation and happiness. Watching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
at the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
is one of the best way relaxing and while watching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to forget their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
problems and give attention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
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play
and
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see
how the story unfold.

Secondly
, engagement in
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sport
can
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help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
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people
to stay healthy. Playing
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sport
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to stay in shape
as well
as have more energy to work or study.
Besides
, by taking part in team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could build friendly relationship with their colleagues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their work or study more enjoyable.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
engagement is meaningful for
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youth’s
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
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IELTS essay Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music theatre and less time on sport. How far

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
183 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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