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Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v.4

Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 4
It is a fact that the tendency to work or study in the city centre is considered as common amongst the young population these days. In general, there are different reasons accounting for why many people choose a city life; however, my standpoint is that the drawbacks of this trend are greater than its advantages. Admittedly, the big cities are referred to as the ideal places for a person's job and study opportunities. Clearly, the dominant national budgets are spent on the development of education in large cities. It is easy to recognize that a number of universities are equipped with modern facilities and teaching aids so that students can reach success in their learning. Simultaneously, the government makes an effort to invest in infrastructure, road systems, and other conveniences, so as to attract foreign and domestic corporations; that is, more employment would be created, whereby the young would find it advantageous to develop their career path. In essence, the more improvements in economy and education the urban areas have, the more the young citizens would move there so as to get higher education and a better working setting. Nevertheless, a number of social and environmental problems resulting from this practice are worth taking into consideration. From a social perspective, one argument is that this trend not only leads to an increase in the unemployment rate but also in criminal behaviours, in other words, the labour market is more competitive, and many people cannot find their job and even commit crimes- an alarming issue in society. With regard to the environment, industrial and vehicle emissions have created harmful effects on our green planet, especially when the residents in many big cities, such as New Delhi and Mexico, have encountered serious air pollution; at the same time, rubbish and waste have made many cities too dirty to live. To sum up, many young people would like to have the best chanced for their future life when attempting to learn and work in the inner city; nonetheless, the negatives of this development seem to overweigh its positive ones. Therefore, I suppose that the government should have a long-term strategy for the stable economic development of both urban and rural areas so that young people do not have to travel to the larger cities for seeking job opportunities as well as studies.
It is a fact that the tendency to work or study in the city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
is considered
as common amongst the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population these days.
In general
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons accounting for why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose a city life;
however
, my standpoint is that the drawbacks of this trend are greater than its advantages.

Admittedly
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are referred
to as the ideal places for a person's job and study opportunities.
Clearly
, the dominant national budgets
are spent
on the development of education in large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. It is easy to recognize that a number of universities
are equipped
with modern facilities and teaching aids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that students can reach success in their learning.
Simultaneously
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an effort to invest in infrastructure, road systems, and other conveniences,
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
attract foreign and domestic corporations;
that is
, more employment would
be created
, whereby the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
would find it advantageous to develop their career path. In essence, the more improvements in economy and education the urban areas have, the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
citizens would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
there
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher education and a better working setting.

Nevertheless
, a number of social and environmental problems resulting from this practice are worth taking into consideration. From a social perspective, one argument is that this trend not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to an increase in the unemployment rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in criminal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
,
in other words
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market is more competitive, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot find their job and even commit crimes- an alarming issue in society. With regard to the environment, industrial and vehicle emissions have created harmful effects on our green planet,
especially
when the residents in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, such as New Delhi and Mexico, have encountered serious air pollution; at the same time, rubbish and waste have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
too dirty to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to have the best chanced for their future life when attempting to learn and work in the inner city; nonetheless, the negatives of this development seem to
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.
Therefore
, I suppose that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should have a long-term strategy for the stable economic development of both urban and rural areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel to the larger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
for seeking job opportunities
as well
as studies.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
389 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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