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Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison Do you agree or disagree v.2

Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison v. 2
Some people argue that young offenders should be treated differently by being sent to community service instead of prison. I strongly agree with this opinion and will discuss the details in this essay. First of all, unlike adult offenders, young offenders might not complete compulsory educations yet and they still have to participant in courses in school just like other children. If put them into prison, they would lose the access to normal education, which is not fair to them and harmful for their developments. Although young offenders break the laws or rules, they still get the right to be educated. Thus community service is a better solution than putting them into prison, with providing young offenders opportunities to continuously acquire knowledge from school. Secondly, young offenders commit crimes normally due to that they are still not mature enough to avoid some negative impacts. From the other perspective, due to their immaturity, it is still possible to help them correct their mistakes and move their life back on track. Obviously, community service could offer such possibility in terms of not isolating them from the society but tightening the bonds with community. For example, in China, offenders who younger than 16 years old are not allowed to put into prison but treated separately by sending to community service. There is clear evidence showing quite high percentage of young offenders are still able to correct their mistakes by doing so. In conclusion, from my view, young offenders should be treated differently from adult offenders in order to offer the educational opportunities as well as help them return to the correct tracks of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
should
be treated
differently
by being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and will discuss the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
in this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, unlike adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
might not complete compulsory educations
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
yet and
they
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
participant in courses in school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like other children. If put them into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
, they would lose the access to normal education, which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to them and harmful for their developments. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
break the laws or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, they
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the right to
be educated
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
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community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
is a better solution than putting them into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
, with providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
opportunities to
continuously
acquire knowledge from school.

Secondly
,
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
commit crimes
normally
due to that they are
still
not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. From the other perspective, due to their immaturity, it is
still
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them correct their mistakes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their life back on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.
Obviously
,
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community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
could offer such possibility in terms of not isolating them from the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
tightening the bonds with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
For example
, in China,
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offenders
who younger than 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to put into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
treated
separately
by sending to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
. There is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
evidence showing quite high percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
are
still
able to correct their mistakes by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

In conclusion
, from my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
should
be treated
differently
from adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
in order to offer the educational opportunities
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them return to the correct
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
of life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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