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Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison Do you agree or disagree v.1

Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison v. 1
There are numerous students are wandering abroad for advanced education in recent years. Whereas some people opine that the positive experience will outweigh the problems, others argue that there are several problems associated with it. I believe that the advantages of a study abroad exceed the drawbacks. First of all, studying abroad is marvellous because you can meet and deal with a lot of persons outside your countries. You also have the opportunity to learn something that cannot be obtained conveniently in your country. For instance, my student can learn about Data Science, which cannot be attained in Indonesia. Yet, you can be feeling lonely and homesickness from the time. As an example, I have had this impression when I was living in Bandung for my undergraduate study. On the other hand, studying abroad can be a major hazard if we can control, manage ourselves and accomplish some problems especially in fundamental aspects. Moreover, it will be grieved if we are not an independent person who hang down from others. Due to this fact, some of my undergraduate colleagues quite frustration when they have a problem regarding to do some assignment, clean their flat and how to manage their time, especially when they are playing online games. To sum up my idea above, I reaffirmed that the advantages of continuing education abroad experience outweigh the deficiency emerge from conducting education outside home countries. Obviously, it can only be perceived if we can be independent person, can control ourselves, and be mature to solve the problems regarding fundamental aspects.
There are numerous students are wandering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
for advanced education in recent years. Whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
experience will outweigh the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, others argue that there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with it. I believe that the advantages of a study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
exceed the drawbacks.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
is
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
persons outside your countries. You
also
have the opportunity to learn something that cannot
be obtained
conveniently
in your country.
For instance
, my student can learn about Data Science, which cannot
be attained
in Indonesia.
Yet
, you can be feeling lonely and homesickness from the time. As an example, I have had this impression when I was living in Bandung for my undergraduate study.

On the other hand
, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
can be a major hazard if we can control, manage ourselves and accomplish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
especially
in fundamental aspects.
Moreover
, it will
be grieved
if we are not an independent person who hang down from others. Due to this fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my undergraduate colleagues quite frustration when they have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assignment, clean their flat and how to manage their time,
especially
when they are playing online games.

To sum up my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
above, I reaffirmed that the advantages of continuing education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
experience outweigh the deficiency emerge from conducting education outside home countries.
Obviously
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be perceived
if we can be independent person, can control ourselves, and be mature to solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
regarding fundamental aspects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Young offenders should be made to do community service rather than be sent to prison v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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