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Young adults are the majority part of the society and being as a dominant part that would affect their importance in decision making for entire society. It is commonly argued that Young adults today have no influence on the important decisions that determ v.2

Young adults are the majority part of the society and being as a dominant part that would affect their importance in decision making for entire society. It is commonly argued that Young adults today have no influence on the important decisions that determ v. 2
In my view, it is better to have a large proportion of adults among all the people in any society. This larger share has the ability contribute significantly. In other words, it is intuitive that young adults are more capable, can work harder than most old-aged people and as a result contribute much more than them to the economy. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following paragraphs. First of all, any society with more number of will progress more. Each society is comprised of many divisions like work force, educational force, etc. , Since more adults are more involved in any society, it is better to have more people of the society involved in its advancement. Moreover, young adults has the ability to contribute a lot to the region they live in when compared to the old people. Although many old people have had contributed a lot in their prime, but it is intuitive that young adult could drive the society forward. In reality, youth has been involving very much nowadays i e. , taking part in the working economy since the dawn of computer technology. A recent study says that the number of adults is 20% more than the number of old people in any industry. Substantially, the youth of current generation has been responsible for the increase in the economy. My personal experience is a compelling example of this. Right since 2010, youth has been interested in startups and a large number of companies have changed the course of economy in the United States. Secondly, new research studies and inventions are essential in order to make our lives better and more young adults have been committed to such field lately. For instance, due to the rise of internet, people around the world are incentivised with more exposure of knowledge than ever before. Consequently, people have become more interested and involved in various fields causing them to work very much in research. This, in turn, leads to new inventions, which make our lives easier, and are also crucial for the culmination of the economy. Although, the number of students enrolled in universities has been increasing every year, these students might work hard to increase our well being. However, it might seem that young adults have been attracted to computer technology rather than the traditional sciences, but in reality, the numbers are increasing in almost every field. Even in the most oldest field, i. e. , literature, numbers are increasing evidently. In conclusion, although it is true that people of any age can take their part for the betterment of the society, still it is important to mention that having more young adults than old people is even better. Nonetheless, these young adults might some day become older and they are replaced by youth of succeeding generation, and it is a never ending perpetual loop
In my view, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
to have a large proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
among all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. This larger share has the ability contribute
significantly
.
In other words
, it is intuitive that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are more capable, can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder than most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
as a result
contribute much more than them to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will elaborate on in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of will progress more. Each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of" or "is composed of"?
is comprised of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
divisions like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
force, educational force, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
Since more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are more involved in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
to have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
involved in its advancement.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
has the ability to contribute a lot to the region they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in when compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have had contributed a lot in their prime,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is intuitive that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult could drive the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
forward. In reality,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
has been involving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much nowadays i e.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
taking part in the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
since the dawn of computer technology. A recent study says that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
is 20% more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in any industry.
Substantially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation has been responsible for the increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. My personal experience is a compelling example of this. Right since 2010,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
has
been interested
in startups and a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the course of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
in the United States.

Secondly
, new research studies and inventions are essential in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have
been committed
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
lately.
For instance
, due to the rise of internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world are
Possible spelling mistake. 'incentivised' is British English.
incentivised
with more exposure of knowledge than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become more interested and involved in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
causing them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much in research. This, in turn, leads to new inventions, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easier, and are
also
crucial for the culmination of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. Although, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of students enrolled in universities has been increasing every year, these students might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to increase our
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.
However
, it might seem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have
been attracted
to computer technology
rather
than the traditional sciences,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
are increasing in almost every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
. Even in the
Use only "oldest" (without 'most') when you use the superlative.
most oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
,
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
literature,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
are increasing
evidently
.

In conclusion
, although it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of any age can take their part for the betterment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
still
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to mention that having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
. Nonetheless, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
day become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
older and
they
are replaced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
of succeeding generation, and it is a never ending perpetual loop
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
65Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay Young adults are the majority part of the society and being as a dominant part that would affect their importance in decision making for entire society. It is commonly argued that Young adults today have no influence on the important decisions that determ v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
482 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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