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You want to apply for the following job. Write a letter to the supervisior of department, describing your previous experience and explaining why you would be suitable for the job. v.1

You want to apply for the following job. Write a letter to the supervisior of department, describing your previous experience and explaining why you would be suitable for the job. v. 1
In some countries, in recent years the mean weight of people has increased substantially and the scale of their fitness and health has continued to decrease. In this essay, I will discuss some of the causes of these problems and also suggest some solutions. One of the major problems of a decrease in weight is eating habits. This is because people no longer take into consideration their diet, the kinds of food that they eat. For example, people consuming food rich in fats will tend to increase in size that those consuming less fatty food. To solve this problem, health ministries along with national orientation agencies of these countries should embark on a nationwide public awareness campaign enlightening the masses on the need to take their diet seriously, and eat more of less fatty food. As a consequence, there will be an increase in weight loss among the population. One of the major causes of a decline in health and fitness is lack of regular exercise. The reason for this could be as a result of lack facilities or interest. For instance, a person might be interested in going to the fitness centre, but such places might not be readily available. As a consequence, the person is unable to participate in fitness activity. Also, certain individuals may generally not have interest due to lack of awareness and the important of staying fit. To tackle these challenges, the government should establish more wellness centres, so that people could easily gain access to them. In conclusion, although there is currently some challenges in the health sector in some counties such as an increase in average weight and a decline in wellbeing, these problems are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the government’s responsibility to solve these issues using the solutions proposed above.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, in recent years the mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has increased
substantially
and the scale of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
has continued to decrease. In this essay, I will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
causes of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
also
suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

One of the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of a decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
is eating habits. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no longer take into consideration their diet, the kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that they eat.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
rich in fats will tend to increase in size that those consuming less fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. To solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
ministries along with national orientation agencies of these countries should embark on a nationwide public awareness campaign enlightening the masses on the need to take their diet
seriously
, and eat more of less fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. As a consequence, there will be an increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
loss among the population.

One of the major causes of a decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
is lack of regular exercise. The reason for this could be
as a result
of lack facilities or interest.
For instance
, a person might
be interested
in going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
such places might not be
readily
available. As a consequence, the person is unable to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
activity.
Also
, certain individuals may
generally
not have interest due to lack of awareness and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of staying fit. To tackle these challenges, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should establish more wellness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
easily
gain access to them.

In conclusion
, although there is
currently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
challenges in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
sector in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
counties such as an increase in average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and a decline in
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s responsibility to solve these issues using the solutions proposed above.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay You want to apply for the following job. Write a letter to the supervisior of department, describing your previous experience and explaining why you would be suitable for the job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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