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You have seen an advertisement in an Australian magazine for someone to live with a family for six months and look after their six- year-old child. Write a letter to the parents. In your letter - Explain why you would like the job - give deta v.1

You have seen an advertisement in an Australian magazine for someone to live with a family for six months and look after their six- year-old child. Write a letter to the parents. In your letter - Explain why you would like the job - give deta v. 1
In recent days, most of the populace becomes workaholic by extending their time at work instead of sparing their time for their family. The main benefit of working more is to earn more to fulfil their family needs, while maintaining a distance from their house will affect their relationship is the drawback. To being with, people will get better remuneration when they spend their extra hours in the company to lead a sophisticated life. That is because in this competitive world they must survive with their family and provide shelter and good education for their children which requires more amount. For example, a recent survey conducted by Delhi university in India report that 75% of people are utilizing most of their day at work to make money to satisfy their needs. Thus, to lead a wealthy lifestyle and to afford their offsprings tuition fees people spending more time at work. As far as the drawbacks is concerned, it will ruin their bonding with their families. In other words, in case of any happy or sorrowful occasions they may not able to participate which might cause problems at their homes. In addition, they cannot see the growth of their own kids when they provide most of their valuable minutes at work. For instance, a project manager of a reputed company say in this interviews that he lost the chance of seeing and enjoying his son’s growth from his birth because of his work schedule which spoiled his connection with his son. In conclusion, although people get more benefits when they put their efforts in their company to earn more money, but they will slowly be losing their family interaction and enjoying the life with them.
In recent days, most of the populace becomes workaholic by extending their time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
instead
of sparing their time for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. The main benefit of working more is to earn more to fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs, while maintaining a distance from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
will affect their relationship is the drawback.

To
Did you mean "begin"?
being
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better remuneration when they spend their extra hours in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to lead a sophisticated life.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in this competitive world they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
survive with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and provide shelter and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education for their children which requires more amount.
For example
, a recent survey conducted by Delhi university in India report that 75% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are utilizing most of their day at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money to satisfy their needs.
Thus
, to lead a wealthy lifestyle and to afford their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
tuition fees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending more time at work.

As far as the drawbacks
is concerned
, it will ruin their bonding with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
In other words
, in case of any happy or sorrowful occasions they may not able to participate which might cause problems at their homes.
In addition
, they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the growth of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
kids when they provide most of their valuable minutes at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
, a project manager of a reputed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
say in
Did you mean "these"?
this
interviews that he lost the chance of seeing and enjoying his son’s growth from his birth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
schedule which spoiled his connection with his son.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more benefits when they put their efforts in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to earn more money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will
slowly
be losing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
interaction and enjoying the life with them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay You have seen an advertisement in an Australian magazine for someone to live with a family for six months and look after their six- year-old child. Write a letter to the parents. In your letter - Explain why you would like the job - give deta v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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