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you have ordered a new computer. Unfortunately, when it arrived you have found some of the accessories like printers, speakers and headphone sets were missing which are to be in the package. You would like the company to send them by next week. Write a le v.1

you have ordered a new computer. Unfortunately, when it arrived you have found some of the accessories like printers, speakers and headphone sets were missing which are to be in the package. You would like the company to send them by next week. Write a le v. 1
Some people think that there are some advantage sides on the compulsory retirement, while others consider that there are disadvantage sides in this situation. Indeed, there are no doubt, retirement of peoples approximately 60-65 ages are compulsive by the their work or companies in every country. In this case, l will discuss both views. On the one hand, the forced give up on their work of the senile peoples create a lot of comforts for the youngest of the new staff of the company and also, it provides many opportunities for upgrade of the company. Firstly, if old-age staffs leave of their work, because of the young worker's salaries are increasing, their devotions and talents to work observable grow day by day. In addition, they attain the highest goals. Consequently, development of company accelerates such as their young, skilful personnels. Secondly, there are some pros in this circumstance to the old peoples that when the old-age peoples are retired, they will spend much time with their family and become to care for their children's. Moreover, they can enjoy their life and do something they like. On the other hand, there are some cons about some disadvantage sides. It is clear that great experiences and knowledges of the senile peoples, which are achieved during many years become much more benefit to society than young staffs. Besides this, they do not know do what in their leisure times and they feel very bored. Therefore, some people reckon that it leads to some harmful effects on society and themselves. In conclusion, the older people are required to retire, which brings both advantages and disadvantages. Depending on countries, situations, government should have some appropriate policies to avoid negative effects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantage sides on the compulsory retirement, while others consider that there are disadvantage sides in this situation.
Indeed
, there are no doubt, retirement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
approximately 60-65 ages are compulsive by the their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in every country.
In this case
, l will discuss both views.

On the one hand, the forced give up on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of the senile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
comforts for the youngest of the new staff of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and
also
, it provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities for upgrade of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
Firstly
, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age staffs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the young worker's salaries are increasing, their devotions and talents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
observable grow day by day.
In addition
, they attain the highest goals.
Consequently
, development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
accelerates such as their young,
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "personnel", the plural form of the noun 'personnel'?
personnels
.
Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros in this circumstance to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
that when the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
are retired
, they will spend much time with their family and become to care for their children's.
Moreover
, they can enjoy their life and do something they like.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantage sides. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that great experiences and
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
of the senile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
, which
are achieved
during
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years become much more benefit to society than young staffs.
Besides
this, they do not know do what in their leisure
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
times and
they feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
bored.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reckon that it leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
harmful effects on society and themselves.

In conclusion
, the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are required
to retire, which brings both advantages and disadvantages. Depending on countries, situations,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate policies to avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay you have ordered a new computer. Unfortunately, when it arrived you have found some of the accessories like printers, speakers and headphone sets were missing which are to be in the package. You would like the company to send them by next week. Write a le v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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