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You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice. v.2

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice. v. 2
The ubiquity of online shopping has brought with it concerns about the environment and an evolving job market. In my opinion, online shopping increases fossil fuel emissions and requires a massive, unskilled workforce for both delivery and production. Online shopping uses fossil fuels in the making and transportation of goods. In order to manufacture a given product, such as a television, book, or a bag of muesli, there is an environmental cost from sourcing and transporting all the elements, powering the factory that assembles it, and creating the plastic packaging, which is also a petroleum byproduct. In the case of a large company like Amazon, the product must be driven or flown to various centres around the country in order to be available for next day delivery. From the storage warehouse, it is then driven or flown to the consumer who ordered it, further burning fossil fuels. The net impact on the environment is self-evidently massive and hastens climate change. Moreover, online shopping is such a sprawling business that it manipulates the labour market. First of all, there are the workers directly involved. Deliverymen must pack, unpack and ship products while the whole operation also requires a variety of managers, foremen, and office workers. These workers are notoriously underpaid and exploited when working for the largest online retailers, who also streamline the means of production in order to offer the lowest prices. Instead of sourcing from local businesses, which would be slightly more expensive, they opt for large factories largely based in China that can cheaply and quickly produce standardised products. This requires an army of factory workers, working at low wages in unsafe conditions. In conclusion, online shopping contributes greatly to climate change and has created deep fissures in the job market. Governments should regulate these companies before their rampant profit-driven efficiency has unforeseen social and political implications.
The ubiquity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has brought with it concerns about the environment and an evolving job market. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
increases fossil fuel emissions and requires a massive, unskilled workforce for both delivery and production.

Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
fossil fuels in the making and transportation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. In order to manufacture a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
, such as a television, book, or a bag of muesli, there is an environmental cost from sourcing and transporting all the elements, powering the factory that assembles it, and creating the plastic packaging, which is
also
a petroleum byproduct. In the case of a large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
like Amazon, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be driven
or flown to various
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
around the country in order to be available for
next
day delivery. From the storage warehouse, it is then driven or flown to the consumer who ordered it,
further
burning fossil fuels. The net impact on the environment is self-
evidently
massive and hastens climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is such a sprawling business that it manipulates the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
directly
involved. Deliverymen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pack, unpack and ship
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
while the whole operation
also
requires a variety of managers, foremen, and office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are
notoriously
underpaid and exploited when working for the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
retailers, who
also
streamline the means of production in order to offer the lowest prices.
Instead
of sourcing from local businesses, which would be
slightly
more expensive, they opt for large factories
largely
based in China that can
cheaply
and
quickly
produce
Possible spelling mistake. 'standardised' is British English.
standardised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. This requires an army of factory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, working at low wages in unsafe conditions.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
contributes
greatly
to climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and has created deep fissures in the job market.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should regulate these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their rampant profit-driven efficiency has unforeseen social and political implications.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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