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You are employed full-time and also doing a part-time evening course. You are not able to continue the course v.1

You are employed full-time and also doing a part-time evening course. You are not able to continue the course v. 1
In today's modern world, the Internet plays an important role in the life of every individual. While some believe that it has some benefits, others say it has more downsides. In my personal view, the Internet can be a really helpful tool in our everyday life if we use it correctly. On the one hand, it is said that the Internet could bring some positive effects. Firstly, it can save a great amount of time and energy as many of our daily tasks and paper works can be done through the Internet. This would also help a lot to save our planet by enabling us to use less paper, which ultimately results in cutting down less trees. In addition, the Internet gives us the opportunity to expand our knowledge more and more, as it connects us to useful sources, teachers and experts all around the world. Thus, many people living in isolated areas could have the chance to pursue their dreams and build their future. On the other hand, some argue that the Internet could lead to some serious drawbacks. To begin with, it can have negative impacts on young children as they might browse through inappropriate content which may not be suitable for their age, such as sexual or violent ones. Furthermore, excessive use of the Internet is addictive and can possibly reduce physical activities of its users, putting their health at risk. In conclusion, to my mind, the Internet could be a very beneficial tool to facilitate our day to day affairs if it is used in an efficient way and people should be taught to take the advantage of using it in order to make their life easier as well as help saving the environment.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modern world, the Internet plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the life of every individual. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, others say it has more downsides. In my personal view, the Internet can be a
really
helpful tool in our everyday life if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
correctly
.

On the one hand, it
is said
that the Internet could bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.
Firstly
, it can save a great amount of time and energy as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of our daily tasks and paper works can
be done
through the Internet. This would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a lot to save our planet by enabling us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
less paper, which
ultimately
results in cutting down
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun trees is countable.
less
trees.
In addition
, the Internet gives us the opportunity to expand our knowledge more and more, as it connects us to useful sources, teachers and experts all around the world.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in isolated areas could have the chance to pursue their dreams and build their future.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the Internet could lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious drawbacks. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on young children as they might browse through inappropriate content which may not be suitable for their age, such as sexual or violent ones.
Furthermore
, excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet is addictive and can
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
physical activities of its users, putting their health at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

In conclusion
, to my mind, the Internet could be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial tool to facilitate our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
affairs if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Consider replacing "in an efficient way" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient way
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be taught
to take the advantage of using it in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life easier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to save" or "save".
saving
the environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay You are employed full-time and also doing a part-time evening course. You are not able to continue the course v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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