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Write about the following topic: Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Others believe that their parents should choose for them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

: Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Others believe that their parents should choose for them. v. 1
Obesity has become one of health issues around the world due to the civilization and industrialization. Many people opine that it is not only affects adults, but also the youth in developing nations. I totally agree their view and the essay will discuss this view with examples. To begin with, researches indicate that more children are overweight or obese in the contemporary world and this trend will continue to be upward. This may be resulted from unhealthy eating habits,  easy assess to fast foods, extremely busy lifestyles, and so on. For example, fast food, such as pizza, hamburgers, deep fired chicken, and so on, is not only children's favourite choice but also parents' because it is delicious for children and convenient and cheap for parents.  However, too much high-calorie fast food will cause consumers to become obese.  In addition, food was no longer as safe as those in the past. For instance, genetically modified fruits and poultries fed with steroid-contained food may also contribute the obesity of children. In addition, lack of exercises and unhealthy lifestyle also lead to obese children as well. Novel digital gadgets keep children occupied on their interest in playing video games, watching TV, surfing online, and so on. The long-screen time will reduce their outdoor activities and contribute to a sedentary lifestyle which will cause children obese. For example, researches indicate that children who spent more than two hours on screen daily will develop obesity. Moreover, mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety also dominate the youth. Medications for treating these diseases also cause obesity as well. In conclusion, obesity has been treated as one of the chronic diseases worldwide. The high percentage of children are obese due to the above reasons. Obesity even worsens children's confidence and competency; therefore, parents and educators should guide children exercise and reduce the screen time in order to protect our future generation.
Obesity has become one of health issues around the world due to the civilization and industrialization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affects adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the youth in developing nations. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
their view and the essay will discuss this view with examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, researches indicate that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are overweight or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
in the contemporary world and this trend will continue to be upward. This may
be resulted
from unhealthy eating habits,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
easy assess to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
extremely
busy lifestyles, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as pizza, hamburgers, deep fired chicken, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
parents'
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is delicious for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and convenient and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
 for parents.  
However
, too much high-calorie
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
will cause consumers to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.  
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
was no longer as safe as those in the past.
For instance
,
genetically
modified fruits and
Possible spelling mistake found.
poultries
fed with steroid-contained food may
also
contribute the obesity of children.

In addition
, lack of exercises and unhealthy lifestyle
also
lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
. Novel digital gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
occupied on their interest in playing video games, watching TV, surfing online, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. The long-screen time will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their outdoor activities and contribute to a sedentary lifestyle which will cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.
For example
, researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who spent more than two hours on screen daily will develop obesity.
Moreover
, mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety
also
dominate the youth. Medications for treating these diseases
also
cause obesity
as well
.

In conclusion
, obesity has
been treated
as one of the chronic diseases worldwide. The high percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
due to the above reasons. Obesity even worsens children's confidence and competency;
therefore
, parents and educators should guide children exercise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the screen time in order to protect our future generation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Others believe that their parents should choose for them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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