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Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Other believe that their parents should choose for them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Other believe that their parents should choose for them. v. 1
There is an argument exists among the people that children should choose their occupation as they wish, opposed to their parent's wish. In my view, it's good for the younger generation to select profession based on their instinct along with the parent's guidance. Let us discuss about the both views in the further paragraphs. Firstly, there is a notion that elders have enormous experience about various occupations as they have already passed half of their age. Furthermore, based on their personal experience they are mentoring their offsprings about which job is to choose. Take an instance, a father who is a daily labour know more about the hardships involved in the profession and would like his son to refrain by taking the daily labour job. In addition to this, there is a pressure from the society and relatives. However, we cannot be completely assertive about the elder's opinion. Youth also have a different perception and decision about the profession they would like to choose. To demonstrate more, a young graduate from the University, whose father is a professor, like to become a civil servant instead of taking his father's occupation. We will welcome these kind of decisions as it paves a golden way for the future of a graduate. Furthermore, youth plays a vital role in shaping the society and one should respect their opinions. The conclusion is, people must choose the job they would like, but considering their parents' advice is recommended. In this way, both the parents and offsprings are cheerful and the family is in the same phase.
There is an argument exists among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that children should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their occupation as they wish, opposed to their parent's wish. In my view, it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the younger generation to select profession based on their instinct along with the parent's guidance.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
both views in the
further
paragraphs.

Firstly
, there is a notion that elders have enormous experience about various occupations as they have already passed half of their age.
Furthermore
, based on their personal experience they are mentoring their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
about which job is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
. Take an instance, a father who is a daily
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
know more about the hardships involved in the profession and would like his son to refrain by taking the daily
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
job.
In addition
to this, there is a pressure from the society and relatives.

However
, we cannot be completely assertive about the elder's opinion. Youth
also
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perception and decision about the profession they would like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
. To demonstrate more, a young graduate from the University, whose father is a professor, like to become a civil servant
instead
of taking his father's occupation. We will welcome
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of decisions as it paves a golden way for the future of a graduate.
Furthermore
, youth plays a vital role in shaping the society and one should respect their opinions.

The conclusion is,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
the job they would like,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
considering their parents' advice
is recommended
. In this way, both the parents and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
are cheerful and the family is in the same phase.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should choose their professions themselves. Other believe that their parents should choose for them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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