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Write about the following topic. Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? v.19

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. v. 19
School plays an important role in the thought process of a person. Some people suppose that, non-profit services must be a mandate program in schools. In my opinion, I agree on this, growing up years does play an important role to do things naturally, Giving back to the society and helping others makes a sign of a responsible citizen. To embark upon, giving back to the society needs a warmth heart and it must come as a natural instinct. These natural instinct decisions come from the learning’s during school age. Those who learn helping others from their childhood or from schools, then this society will be a good place to live and for them it will be a sense of satisfaction. Many successful people such as actor Will Smith and footballer Pele, who all were poor or gone through poverty does many charitable works. Furthermore, improving someone’s life is the greatest feeling on earth. During schooling only this though must be implanted in the student mind and also this will enhance their horizon to help others and also feel responsible towards others. Serving others and helping younger one’s must me a compulsory subject. This can bring a sense of responsibility in them. One clear example is, Army men are different breeds on this planet. They feel so responsible towards their nation and people. These feelings were implanted in them when they were in their military training. To conclude, I believe helping others without expecting anything and responsible towards others, these though can be bought into a person’s mind by making a specific subject in the high school. This will make a big impact to build a better society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process of a person.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suppose that, non-profit services
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a mandate program in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on this, growing up years does play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to do things
naturally
, Giving back to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and helping others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
citizen.

To embark upon, giving back to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
needs a warmth heart and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
as a natural instinct. These natural instinct decisions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the learning’s during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age. Those who learn
If 'learn' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to help".
helping
others from their childhood or from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, then this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
will be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and for them it will be a sense of satisfaction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
such as actor Will Smith and footballer Pele, who all were poor or gone through poverty does
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
charitable works.

Furthermore
, improving someone’s life is the greatest feeling on earth. During schooling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be implanted
in the student mind and
also
this will enhance their horizon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others and
also
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
towards others. Serving others and helping younger one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
me a compulsory subject. This can bring a sense of responsibility in them. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example is, Army
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
breeds on this planet. They feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
towards their nation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. These feelings
were implanted
in them when they were in their military training.

To conclude
, I believe helping others without expecting anything and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
towards others, these though can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
into a person’s mind by making a specific subject in the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
impact to build a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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