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Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room or choose by yourself? v.1

Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room or choose by yourself? v. 1
There is no doubt that community plays an important role in people’s lives. However, there is a concern that nowadays residents choose to live without families or with friends, so it can lead to social problems. Personally, I disagree with this statement and think that this trend has a positive influence on society. In fact, I feel this way for two reasons that I will explore in the following essay. Firstly, I believe that that this way of living allows people to make their own lifestyle. One should note here, that the most important parts of a society are families. In this case residents are able to meet their partner for future relations and life. As a result, couples share their experience and goods that they have, so it allows to save money for children. Therefore, the population of a concrete community grows because of families. Consequently, more potential workforce will appear later, so it allows country to flourish and to have new scientists and blue-collar workers. Secondly, young residents become independent. It is undeniable that every person should get some knowledge in order to work and get a salary. It means that people have to find ways to be a good employee, which in long-term perspective will give a stable social status and income. Thus, for community these individuals can provide lots of benefits such as, for instance, donations for charity organizations. In addition, some brave teens can try to open a business with their friends. If they succeed, plenty of workplaces would appear for everybody, so the unemployment rates would decrease. To draw the conclusion, living alone or with friends can provide several significant benefits for a community and individuals as well.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, there is a concern that nowadays residents choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without families or with friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it can lead to social problems.
Personally
, I disagree with this statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this trend has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on society. In fact, I feel this way for two reasons that I will explore in the following essay.

Firstly
, I believe
Possible typo: you repeated a word
that that
this way of living
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lifestyle. One should note here, that the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
parts of a society are families.
In this case
residents are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their partner for future relations and life.
As a result
, couples share their experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that they have,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
Did you mean "saving"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to save
money for children.
Therefore
, the population of a concrete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
grows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of families.
Consequently
, more potential workforce will appear later,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
country to flourish and to have new scientists and blue-collar workers.

Secondly
, young residents become independent. It is undeniable that every person should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge in order to work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a salary. It means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find ways to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
employee, which in long-term perspective will give a stable social status and income.
Thus
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
these individuals can provide lots of benefits such as,
for instance
, donations for charity organizations.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
brave teens can try to open a business with their friends. If they succeed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of workplaces would appear for everybody,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the unemployment rates would decrease.

To draw the conclusion, living alone or with friends can provide several significant benefits for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
and individuals
as well
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room or choose by yourself? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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