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If you school allows you to choose any activities during free time, what activity would you choose? v.1

If you school allows you to choose any activities during free time, what activity would you choose? v. 1
Some people would argue that teen years are considered to be the happiest time in many people's lives, while others say that adulthood brings immense happiness even though it comes with many responsibilities. Although teenagers lead a stress-free life, I believe that adult life brings more happiness as they are financially independent. On the one hand, it is thought that people are extremely happy during teenage is because they live a carefree life. That is to say, teenagers are not expected to earn money and pay bills for any expenses, as parents are there to fulfil any of their requirements. As a result, they are free to play, study and enjoy their life without any obligations. For instance, a recent survey by the Times of India revealed that 65% of people feel that teenage years are the best years because they were not worried about anything. However, I believe that teenagers are under constant pressure to excel in academics and secure admission in prestigious colleges. "On the other hand, despite adulthood bringing more responsibility, people are the happiest because they are not dependent on anyone for their finances. In other words, they are earning money, which gives them the freedom to be on their own. Thus, a well-established career allows them to save and exorbitantly spend money on things they want for themselves and for their family members. To illustrate, recent research revealed that 75% of people were happy when turned adults because they could earn money and buy things they love. I believe this school of thought is preferable to me because a sense of accomplishment is achieved by earning money which makes people happy. In conclusion, although most believe that the teenage years are the happiest years of one's life as they are not under pressure, being an adult brings more happiness despite many responsibilities, because people are financially independent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would argue that teen years
are considered
to be the happiest time in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, while others say that adulthood brings immense happiness
even though
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities. Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
lead a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
brings more happiness as they are
financially
independent.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
extremely
happy during teenage is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a carefree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and pay bills for any expenses, as parents are there to fulfil any of their requirements.
As a result
, they are free to play, study and enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without any obligations.
For instance
, a recent survey by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
revealed that 65% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that teenage years are the best years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were not worried about anything.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are under constant pressure to excel in academics and secure admission in prestigious colleges.

Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
On the other hand
, despite adulthood bringing more responsibility,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the happiest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not dependent on anyone for their finances.
In other words
, they are earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which gives them the freedom to be on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Thus
, a well-established career
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to save and
exorbitantly
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on things they want for themselves and for their family members. To illustrate, recent research revealed that 75% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were happy when turned adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
this school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is preferable to me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a sense of accomplishment
is achieved
by earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy.

In conclusion
, although most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the teenage years are the happiest years of one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as they are not under pressure, being an adult brings more happiness despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
financially
independent.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay If you school allows you to choose any activities during free time, what activity would you choose? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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