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Would you prefer to take a part-time course or have a part-time job during your summer vacation? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.2

Would you prefer to take a part-time course or have a part-time job during your summer vacation? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 2
According to the recent survey of the International Anti-Crime Committee, the young offender ratio has surged by 7% than the previous projections. Some people believe that teaching parenting skills to parents is the only way to deter youngsters from committing a crime. I partially agree with this view. Although parents should play a vital role in upbringing children as well-rounded in society, the educational institutes must partake in this awareness. To embark on, parents should possess parenting skills on child-rearing because of two significant reasons. Firstly, it is undeniable that the children learn basic etiquette from their parents even before to start their verbal communication; therefore, they should be a wise role model for their children. According to child experts, three-quarters of offsprings tend to emulate their parent's parents’ behaviour from their childhood, which later becomes their habit. Besides this, most of the children indulge themselves into offence due to their personal needs. So parenting skills help to understand their problems and refrain them from involving into crime. However, schools should also take responsibility to counter these detrimental crimes from society. It is proven that a student's social manners are being cultivated from the elementary level of education. For example, in many countries, the pre-secondary syllabus is made to teach subjects such as discipline, honesty and dignity in the form of textbooks and lectures. Consequently, pupils understand moral values and try to keep away from offensive activities. Hence, tutors should not only educate these subjects as a syllabus, but also help children to realise the intense meaning. In conclusion, even though parents should obtain the parenting skills to nurture a child, teachers in schools should play the role of mentor and guide children. I believe, in the future, both parents and instructors will be working together to diminish this alarming juvenile crime rate.
According to the recent survey of the International Anti-Crime Committee, the young offender ratio has surged by 7% than the previous projections.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to deter youngsters from committing a crime. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should play a vital role in upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
-rounded in society, the educational institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
partake in this awareness.

To embark on,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should possess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
on child-rearing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of two significant reasons.
Firstly
, it is undeniable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn basic etiquette from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their verbal communication;
therefore
, they should be a wise role model for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. According to child experts, three-quarters of
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
tend to emulate their parent's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
from their childhood, which later becomes their habit.
Besides
this, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
indulge themselves into
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
due to their personal needs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to understand their problems and refrain them from involving into crime.

However
, schools should
also
take responsibility to counter these detrimental crimes from society. It
is proven
that a student's social manners are
being cultivated
from the elementary level of education.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-secondary
syllabus
is made
to teach subjects such as discipline, honesty and dignity in the form of textbooks and lectures.
Consequently
, pupils understand moral values and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
away from offensive activities.
Hence
, tutors should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
educate these subjects as a syllabus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the intense meaning.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should obtain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to nurture a child, teachers in schools should play the role of mentor and guide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I believe, in the future, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and instructors will be working together to diminish this alarming juvenile crime rate.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Would you prefer to take a part-time course or have a part-time job during your summer vacation? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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