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would governments make decisions about peoples lifestyle or people should make their own decision v.1

would governments make decisions about peoples lifestyle or people should make their own decision v. 1
With the advent of globalization, the behavior of people has changed gradually from the olden era to the recent one. It is thought by some that the authority should take decisions on individual's way of living, however, others believe that people should make decisions of their own. This essay sheds light on both the views before drawing into the conclusion. To begin with, the government has the utmost responsibility in taking care of its civilians. For instance, in countries where the government fails to ensure proper education, health facilities, recreation, and economic development people would be leading a disastrous life. To cite an example, some important rules like drug controlling determine people's healthy lifestyle. Thus it is true that government policies and rules play a crucial and pivotal role. On the other hand, if an individual determines to have a healthy behavior they would not need much help from the authorities to organize their life. Interestingly, these are some values and a good way of living that has to be chiselled to the next generation to have a healthy and happy life. To exemplify, there are some exercises like yoga, which could be taught to the young ones from a very young age, which consequently makes them lead a better manner of living. Thus a healthy lifestyle is something that could be made by an individual rather than the government. To conclude, a well sculpted, healthy life is a combination of an individual's way of living and regime policies and initiatives.
With the advent of globalization, the behavior of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
gradually
from the olden era to the recent one. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the authority should take decisions on individual's way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
,
however
, others believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. This essay sheds light on both the views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing into the conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has the utmost responsibility in taking care of its civilians.
For instance
, in countries where the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
fails to ensure proper education, health facilities, recreation, and economic development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be leading a disastrous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To cite an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
like drug controlling determine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policies and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
play a crucial and pivotal role.

On the other hand
, if an individual determines to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
behavior they would not need much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the authorities to organize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Interestingly
, these are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
values and a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
Possible spelling mistake found.
chiselled
to the
next
generation to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To exemplify, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises like yoga, which could
be taught
to the young ones from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age, which
consequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them lead a better manner of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle is something that could
be made
by an individual
rather
than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

To conclude
, a well sculpted,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is a combination of an individual's way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
and regime policies and initiatives.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay would governments make decisions about peoples lifestyle or people should make their own decision v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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