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Workers in Korea have too many rights and it affects a company’s efficiency. Do you agree or disagree with this idea, giving examples. v.1

Workers in Korea have too many rights and it affects a company’s efficiency. with this idea, giving examples. v. 1
In today’ society, more and more employers put an emphasis on their rights at workplaces. While some insist that as Korean workers try to exercise their rights the productivity of companies decrease, it is flawed argument. This essay, I will articulate as to why I disagree with the former opinion and explain benefits of protecting employers’ right for companies. Above all, allowing workers to exercise their rights protects them from being exhausted. Many recent researches revealed that the serious implications of burn-out. Those who do not take sufficient rests can burn out easily and their work performances are below the average. To alleviate this problem, some companies are implementing a policy which providing at least twelve days of vacation per year to all workers including newly recruited ones. In addition, the government also reduce the maximum working hours to ensure enterprises not to harness their employees excessively. After these changes, workers can find balance between work and life, improve their health and maintain their or efficiencies as well. Moreover, when employees rights are protected, they can fully concentrate on their tasks. It is because they can deal with both work and family responsibilities. For example, in Korea, for employees in private enterprises, taking maternity or paternity leaves is not easy. As their employers tend to fire or penalise them who want to take it. As a result, they give up the right to take care of their babies and cannot focus on their work as they worry their kids who have to sent daycare centers from too early ages. However, if mother and father wage-earners are allowed to have sufficient time to raise their kids, after they return to their work, they would display their ability to the maximum as there are less concerns about their kids. To conclude, the productivity of companies is not affected negatively because of the protection of employees’ rights, rather it would allow them to maintain their work efficiencies. Thus, their rights should be secured for the individual worker and the companies as well.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’ society, more and more employers put an emphasis on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
at workplaces. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insist that as Korean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
try to exercise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
the productivity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
decrease, it
is flawed
argument. This essay, I will articulate as to why I disagree with the former opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
benefits of protecting employers’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Above all
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
to exercise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
protects them from
being exhausted
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
recent researches revealed that the serious implications of burn-out. Those who do not take sufficient rests can burn out
easily
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performances are below the average. To alleviate this problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are implementing a policy which providing at least twelve days of vacation per year to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
including
newly
recruited ones.
In addition
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the maximum working hours to ensure enterprises not to harness their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
excessively
. After these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
can find balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and life,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health and maintain their or efficiencies
as well
.

Moreover
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
are protected
, they can
fully
concentrate on their tasks. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can deal with both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and family responsibilities.
For example
, in Korea, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in private enterprises, taking maternity or paternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
is not easy. As their employers tend to fire or
Possible spelling mistake. 'penalise' is British English.
penalise
them who want to take it.
As a result
, they give up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
to take care of their babies and cannot focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as they worry their kids who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
daycare centers from too early ages.
However
, if mother and father wage-earners are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to have sufficient time to raise their kids, after they return to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they would display their ability to the maximum as there are
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun concerns is countable.
less
concerns about their kids.

To conclude
, the productivity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the protection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
,
rather
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
efficiencies.
Thus
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
should
be secured
for the individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as well
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Workers in Korea have too many rights and it affects a company’s efficiency. with this idea, giving examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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