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Describe an idea you have had for improving something at college or work. You should include: When and where had you had the idea? what the idea was? Who you told about your idea? and explain why you think that your idea made a difference? v.2

Describe an idea you have had for improving something at college or work. You should include: When and where had you had the idea? what the idea was? Who you told about your idea? and explain why you think that your idea made a difference? v. 2
I would like to talk about my initiate in my second company 5 years ago. My first job was an auditor for an international auditing firm Grant Thornton, so my English was relatively good at communicating with foreigners. After that, I moved to my second company, which is a local company, so my English ability was decreasing. In addition, many of my colleagues hated English and they could not communicate in English. Therefore, I to hire American teacher to teach English for its employees. After I talked my idea to my Director, he appreciated my idea and allowed me to present my idea to our CEO. Fortunately, she agreed and supported my initiate immediately. However, it was a difficult for class arrangement at that time because most of staffs got married, so they only wanted to spend time on their families. Due to my company has the working time from 8 A. M, CEO of my company also stimulated English, so the English class were held from 7. 30 AM to 9 AM every working day. This provided the employees with opportunity to study and practice English. Before attending the English class, most of employees were afraid and scared to meet the foreigners. After 3 months, it was actually different because most of them felt more self-confident to talk and communicate with foreigners. This is an achievement for the employees in the local company.
I would like to talk about my initiate in my second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
5 years ago.

My
first
job was an auditor for an international auditing firm Grant Thornton,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
my English was
relatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at communicating with foreigners. After that, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to my second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, which is a local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
my English ability was decreasing.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of my colleagues hated
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
English and
they could not communicate in English.
Therefore
, I to hire American teacher to teach English for its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. After I talked my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to my Director, he appreciated my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to present my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to our CEO.
Fortunately
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
and supported my initiate immediately.
However
, it was a difficult for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
arrangement at that time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the staffs") or simply say "most staffs".
most of staffs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wanted to spend time on their families. Due to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
has the working time from 8 A. M, CEO of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
also
stimulated English,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
were held
from 7. 30 AM to 9 AM every working day. This provided the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with opportunity to study and practice English.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
attending the English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
were afraid and scared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the foreigners. After 3 months, it was actually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of them felt more self-confident to talk and communicate with foreigners. This is an achievement for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Describe an idea you have had for improving something at college or work. You should include: When and where had you had the idea? what the idea was? Who you told about your idea? and explain why you think that your idea made a difference? v. 2

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
234 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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