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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and lesson their working life To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement v.1

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and lesson their working life 1
In today's innovative world, people greatly rely on gadgets, such as mobile phones, computers, tablets, laptops, etc. , to be up-to-date with the latest advancements in the technology. This is a positive thing due to several reasons, which I will be discussing further. First of all, keeping up with the modern technology by purchasing latest mobile devices or laptops helps connect people from anywhere in the world. That is to say, with the breakthrough applications such as Twitter, Facebook, etc. , one can reach his grandparents or friends without any hassle. For example, Skype has made it possible to connect people globally, thereby strengthening our bonds. Secondly, if an individual buys a latest laptop from the market, it will make his life more convenient. In other words, a student can carry it wherever he commutes because of the compact design and lightweight. This would help an individual to complete his tasks or assignments in a train or at a serene park. For instance, in 2012 an article published in The New York Times reported that over 80% of the population in Vietnam were able to carry out their work in everyday commute with the latest PC designs. Furthermore, keeping up with the state-of-the-art technology helps in online education. That is to say, with the cutting-edge advancements in technology, an individual would broaden his knowledge by going through a plethora of online classes, websites, etc. In conclusion, it is undeniable that people in the world opt to purchase latest smart devices, such as phones, PC's, etc. , to be updated with the technology. It surely is a positive aspect as this makes our lives convenient and helps connecting people on the internet.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's innovative world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
greatly
rely on gadgets, such as mobile phones, computers, tablets, laptops, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
to be up-to-date with the latest advancements in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thing due to several reasons, which I will be discussing
further
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, keeping up with the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
by purchasing
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
mobile devices or laptops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from anywhere in the world.
That is
to say, with the breakthrough applications such as Twitter, Facebook, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
one can reach his grandparents or friends without any hassle.
For example
, Skype has made it possible to connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
globally, thereby strengthening our bonds.

Secondly
, if an individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest laptop from the market, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his life more convenient.
In other words
, a student can carry it wherever he commutes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the compact design and lightweight. This would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
an individual to complete his tasks or assignments in a train or at a serene park.
For instance
, in 2012 an article published in The New York Times reported that over 80% of the population in Vietnam were able to carry out their work in everyday commute with the latest PC designs.

Furthermore
, keeping up with the state-of-the-art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in online education.
That is
to say, with the cutting-edge advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, an individual would broaden his knowledge by going through a plethora of online classes, websites, etc.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
smart devices, such as phones, PC's, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
to
be updated
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. It
surely
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
convenient and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
The verb 'helps' is used with an infinitive: "to connect" or "connect".
connecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the internet.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and lesson their working life 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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