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Most of the world’s urgent problems are caused by over-population. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Most of the world’s urgent problems are caused by over-population. v. 1
Nowadays, most of the people are migrating to cities from rural areas because they think that they have a better life there compared to villages. From my understanding of the situation, lives in rural areas are happier than urban areas. Firstly, I want to discuss about the advantages of migrating to cities. People strongly believe that opportunities in rural areas are declining and money they get through work is not sufficient to fulfil their needs. In cities they will get more wages and they will get opportunities to work for their survival even though they will get better facilities like schools for their children, hospitals and transport facilities and this will helps to improve the country's economy, but many people lead their lives as daily labours. The places in cities are decreasing because migrants occupy the empty places where ever they get a chance to live. On the other hand, it has its own disadvantages too, agriculture is the main occupation for villagers. They leave their occupation and lands because of natural calamities, and running for colourful lives according to a great saying that Countries wealth and beauty lies only in rural areas. It impacts the country's economy due to inhabitation, population in the cities is increased which leads to more pollution there. I would personally conclude by saying that people in rural areas have better life compared to people in cities. The Government will take measures to stop these migrants from taking certain actions like providing loans to farmers with low interest, increase wages for daily labour and provide amenities like hospitals and schools.
Nowadays, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they have a better life there compared to villages. From my understanding of the situation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are happier than urban areas.

Firstly
, I want to
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
advantages of migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
strongly
believe that opportunities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are declining and money they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
through work is not sufficient to fulfil their needs. In
The comma is probably missing here: "cities, they".
cities they
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
wages and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
opportunities to work for their survival
even though
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better facilities like schools for their children, hospitals and transport facilities and this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the country's economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as daily
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
. The places in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are decreasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
migrants occupy the empty places where ever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

On the other hand
, it has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
disadvantages too, agriculture is the main occupation for villagers. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their occupation and lands
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of natural calamities, and running for
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
according to a great saying that Countries wealth and beauty lies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. It impacts the country's economy due to
Possible spelling mistake found.
inhabitation
, population in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is increased
which leads to more pollution there.

I would
personally
conclude by saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
have better life compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
will take measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
these migrants from taking certain actions like providing loans to farmers with low interest, increase wages for daily
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and provide amenities like hospitals and schools.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Most of the world’s urgent problems are caused by over-population. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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