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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.3

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement? v. 3
The difference between the role of mom and dad in a family is still a controversial problem. It is thought that women are better at taking care of children than men so they should focus on it more and minimize the working life. In my opinion, I strongly do not concur with this statement. According to me, every now and then, many people believe that women always be the one who look after their children while the men are breadwinners like a truth, a fact. It cannot be denied that women were born to have the caring, patience and a warm heart to listen to people’s problem, so that the instinct of women make them a great mother, but people maybe understand that women only have ability to raise kids, which is extremely mistaken. Because by the way, men can be a good father and play an important role in children grown-up process in some others way. Men will give their children, many life-lessons, the discipline, a little bit stricter than mothers do. However, youngsters who are brought up and taught by both moms and dads, they not only happier but also grow up into a good, kind and successful citizens. Furthermore, childcare helps fathers understand their children and be closer to them, which contribute to a happy family. Additionally, if men share childcare with women, it leads to an equal between two genders. Women have their own passions, dreams, if they only focus on being with kids, they don’t have any time to work on their favours, things they love to do. Love is sharing, a family is perfect when a husband and wife can share with each other about childcare so both will have the chance to follow their own dreams, career. Moreover, women are able to make more money for the family. Women are good at many fields, not just be housewives. For example, many great females all over the world, they are presidents, CEOs, founders of well-known companies, … their children are still raised really good. So the more women have jobs, the more recognizes they can gain from society, men and women are all equal. Especially, in the past women had to sacrifice for their family a lot. To sum up, women now can do lots of things also earn money by themselves and they need to focus on their careers, husbands in any phenomenon should support their wives.
The difference between the role of mom and dad in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
still
a controversial problem. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are better at taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should focus on it more and minimize the working life. In my opinion, I
strongly
do not concur with this statement.

This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and then,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
always be the one who look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are breadwinners like a truth, a fact. It cannot
be denied
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were born
to have the caring, patience and a warm heart to listen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the instinct of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them a great mother,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
maybe understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have ability to raise kids, which is
extremely
mistaken.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
by the way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
can be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
father and play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grown-up process in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
will give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
life-lessons, the discipline, a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
stricter than mothers do.
However
, youngsters who
are brought
up and taught by both moms and dads, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
happier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
grow up into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
, kind and successful citizens.
Furthermore
, childcare
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
fathers understand their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and be closer to them, which contribute to a happy family.

Additionally
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
share childcare with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, it leads to an equal between two genders.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
passions, dreams, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on being with kids, they don’t have any time to work on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
, things they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to do.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Love
is sharing, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is perfect when a husband and wife can share with each other about childcare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
both will have the chance to follow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
dreams, career.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
be housewives.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
great females all over the world, they are presidents, CEOs, founders of well-known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, … their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
still
raised
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have jobs, the more recognizes they can gain from society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are all equal.
Especially
, in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
had to sacrifice for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
a lot.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can do lots of things
also
earn money by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themselves and
they need to focus on their careers, husbands in any phenomenon should support their wives.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
404 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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