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Women and men are commonly seen as having differet strenght and weaknesses. it is right to exclude males or females from certain professuins because of their gender? v.1

Women and men are commonly seen as having differet strenght and weaknesses. it is right to exclude males or females from certain professuins because of their gender? v. 1
In today’s world, disturbances from the paparazzi has become a common threat to many popular people. While one may argue that celebrities should be given some privacy by the paparazzi, there are others who believe that fame and glory to the celebrities comes at the cost of their privacy. This essay will discuss both these sides of argument in detail. Celebrities, specially film stars and sports personalities, are under the constant scrutiny of the people. Paparazzi shadow these famous people round the clock and keep the fans updated by posting their photographs. There are times when these photojournalists forget to consider about the privacy of the celebrities and invade their personal lives. They are photographed doing simple and mundane task like spending time with family or going to the gym. These pictures are then highlighted and printed on Page 3. We forget to consider that the celebrities too are humans like us and spending time with their loved ones is equally precious to them as well. On the other hand, it is a very well known fact that fame and privacy do not go hand in hand. Celebrities have fans idolizing them, following their each and every move, imitating them with the hope of succeeding in their field. Making the decision to become an actor, for example, is a voluntary and they are very well aware of the consequences on becoming one. In conclusion, I believe that though people willingly want to become famous and be photographed, paparazzi too should consider their humane side and respect their privacy. Although, it is good to idolize people and try to be like them, but, at the same time we should also regard their need to spend quality time with their family and loved ones.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, disturbances from the paparazzi has become a common threat to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While one may argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
privacy by the paparazzi, there are others who believe that fame and glory to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at the cost of their privacy. This essay will discuss both these sides of argument in detail.

Celebrities,
specially
film stars and sports personalities, are under the constant scrutiny of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Paparazzi shadow these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
round the clock and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the fans updated by posting their photographs. There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
when these photojournalists forget to
Did you mean simply "consider the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about the
privacy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and invade their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. They
are photographed
doing simple and mundane task like spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family or going to the gym. These pictures are then highlighted and printed on Page 3. We forget to consider that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
too are humans like us and spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
is
equally
precious to them
as well
.

On the other hand
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well known fact that fame and privacy do not go hand in hand.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
have fans idolizing them, following their each and every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
, imitating them with the hope of succeeding in their field. Making the decision to become an actor,
for example
, is a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
voluntary and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well aware of the consequences on becoming one.

In conclusion
, I believe that though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
willingly
want to become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and
be photographed
, paparazzi too should consider their humane side and respect their privacy. Although, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to idolize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and try to be like them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
we should
also
regard their need to spend quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Women and men are commonly seen as having differet strenght and weaknesses. it is right to exclude males or females from certain professuins because of their gender? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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