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Why do students prefer doing part time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? v.4

Why do students prefer doing part time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 4
Combining work with schooling is a controversial issue among people. Some tutees engage with part-time jobs due to financial constraints. However, I believe that distraction from academic work and lack of parental control far outweigh any disadvantages. To begin with, some students might decide to take a part-time job due to financial hardship. Scholars from poor family background may find it difficult to meet up with tuition fee and thus the need to take up a work so as to be financially buoyant to pay school fee and meet some basic needs. For example, it was discovered that most students drop out of school in Nigeria because they were not employed by any employer. It is beneficial for students from poor background to seek for job opportunity so as to meet up with school demands. Nevertheless, there are some disadvantages from combining schooling with work. First, students are easily distracted as a result of work. Some students might find it quite difficult to combine pressure at work with challenges at school. Thus, leading to a poor grade at school. Also, improper management of time by the students might also lead to poor performance at work. Furthermore, attending school and working at the same time prevent proper parental control. It might be very difficult for parents to guide and control the student since they have two major activities that take their time. Occasionally, some parents might not know the movement of their children consequently leading to lack of adequate monitoring. For instance, a parents might not know if the student is at work or in school. This act give the children too much freedom. In conclusion, although some student gets engaged with part-time job in order to fend for their school and themselves, nonetheless it distracts their concentration and make them lack parental guidance. It is on this basis that I think that there are more disadvantages to advantages when students engage in part-time work.
Combining
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work
with schooling is a controversial issue among
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people
.
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Some
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tutees
engage with part-time
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jobs
due to financial constraints.
However
, I believe that distraction from academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and lack of parental control far outweigh any disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
decide to take a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
due to financial hardship. Scholars from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
family background may find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with tuition fee and
thus
the need to take up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be
financially
buoyant to pay
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school
fee and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic needs.
For example
, it
was discovered
that most
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students
drop out of
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school
in Nigeria
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were not employed by any employer. It is beneficial for
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students
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
background to seek for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunity
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with
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school
demands.

Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages from combining schooling with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
First
,
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students
are
easily
distracted
as a result
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
find it quite difficult to combine pressure at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with challenges at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Thus
, leading to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
grade at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Also
, improper management of time by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
performance at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Furthermore
, attending
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school
and working at the same time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
proper parental control. It
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might
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for parents to guide and control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
since they have two major activities that take their time.
Occasionally
,
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some
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not know the movement of their children
consequently
leading to lack of adequate monitoring.
For instance
, a parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not know if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This act
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "gives".
give
the children too much freedom.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
engaged with part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in order to fend for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and themselves, nonetheless it distracts their concentration and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lack parental guidance. It is on this basis that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are more disadvantages to advantages when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
engage in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Why do students prefer doing part time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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