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Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v.1

Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v. 1
In this present era, it is a common trend for many families to seek employment opportunities in foreign countries. Although it is thought by some as being in the best interest of the youngsters in the family, those who refute claims it will be difficult for them. In my opinion, I agree with the former view, this essay will discuss both viewpoint in more details. The Proponent of this trend claims that travelling is a form of education, hence, young children are given the opportunity to live and interact with others. In their new environment, they learn other people's culture, language and tradition. This skill would be impossible to acquire without their parent moving from their own country. A good illustration, in Nigeria, James Smith, the translator for the president in a recent interview revealed that as a young child he lived abroad with his parent who travelled in search of better career opportunities, this made it possible for him to learn different languages and culture. Today, he, being multilingual has an employment advantage. The opponent refutes this claim; they believe it is difficult for youngsters to adapt to new environment because of the communication barrier. Apparently, in a new place, they would be unable to communicate effectively, which could lead to social developmental problems and poor academic performance. In other words, when children cannot relate with people around them, they become withdrawn and are unable to make friends, thereby leading to poor grades at school. For instance, Stanley Brown, the France Ambassador to Nigeria, in a recent article claims that his child's poor performance at school was as a result of his relocation to Nigeria. He attributed this to difficulty encountered in understanding a new language. Based on the aforementioned viewpoints, I opine that children benefit from their parent's travel to other countries for career opportunities because they are able to learn new languages and cultures, while others opine it is difficult for youngsters to adapt as a result language difference.
In this present era, it is a common trend for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families to seek employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
in foreign countries. Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
as being in the best interest of the youngsters in the family, those who refute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
claims
it will be difficult for them. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former view, this essay will discuss both viewpoint in more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

The Proponent of this trend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
claims
that travelling is a form of education,
hence
, young children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunity
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and interact with others. In their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment, they learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's culture,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
and tradition. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
would be impossible to acquire without their parent moving from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration, in Nigeria, James Smith, the translator for the president in a recent interview revealed that as a young child he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
abroad with his parent who travelled in search of better career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
, this made it possible for him to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
and culture.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, he, being multilingual has an employment advantage.

The opponent refutes this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
claim
; they believe it is difficult for youngsters to adapt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the communication barrier.
Apparently
, in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
place, they would be unable to communicate
effectively
, which could lead to social developmental problems and poor academic performance. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when children cannot relate with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around them, they become withdrawn and are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends, thereby leading to poor grades at school.
For instance
, Stanley Brown, the France Ambassador to Nigeria, in a recent article
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
claims
that his child's poor performance at school was
as a result
of his relocation to Nigeria. He attributed this to difficulty encountered in understanding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
language.

Based on the aforementioned viewpoints, I opine that children benefit from their parent's travel to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries for career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are able to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
and cultures, while others opine it is difficult for youngsters to adapt
as a result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
difference.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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