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Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v.2

Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v. 2
Indulging themselves towards work while completing their academics are being adopted by youngsters, because they think this practice have more privileges like a chance to learn life skills and it also teach them the value of single penny. Chance of learning cognitive skills so that, adolescents can manage both studies and working time parallel, because they know without earning, they do not meet their financial requirements and in the absence of classes they become fail to achieve designated position in their future. To illustrate in this prevailing time more and more students are migrating to other countries for study purposes. For their daily expenses they work after school and pay their bills so by this practice they reduce burden from their parents and also learn how to manage life in different circumstances. Hence, they give priority to optional jobs. Apart from this these kinds of activities provide them a chance to know the exact value of hard-earned money so that they can buy worthy stuff from their income. For an example, migrant students always prefer to buy things from sales or on the special day when they can get heavy discount on brands like on Christmas, Soccer Day, Halloween and many more. Therefore, they save money and always spend it on that special occasion at correct product. Conclusively, doing a job during their study period is not just a hobby rather it become the necessity of the students which teach them life lessons so that they can never demotivate in any condition.
Indulging themselves towards work while completing their academics are
being adopted
by youngsters,
because
they
think
this practice have more privileges like a chance to learn life
skills
and it
also
teach
them the value of single penny.

Chance of learning cognitive
skills
so
that, adolescents can manage both studies and working time parallel,
because
they know without earning, they do not
meet
their financial requirements and in the absence of classes they become fail to achieve designated position in their future. To illustrate in this prevailing time more and more students are migrating to other countries for study purposes. For their daily expenses they work after school and pay their bills
so
by this practice they
reduce
burden from their parents and
also
learn how to manage life in
different
circumstances.
Hence
, they give priority to optional jobs.

Apart from this these kinds of activities provide them a chance to know the exact value of
hard
-earned money
so
that they can
buy
worthy stuff from their income. For an example, migrant students always prefer to
buy
things from sales or on the special day when they can
get
heavy discount on brands like on Christmas, Soccer Day, Halloween and
many
more.
Therefore
, they save money and always spend it on that special occasion at correct product.

Conclusively
, doing a job during their study period is not
just
a hobby
rather
it
become
the necessity of the students which teach them life lessons
so
that they can never demotivate in any condition.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many university students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages? Why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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