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Why do some people who leave school early are more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Reasons why they are more successful and what is required to be successful? v.2

Why do some people who leave school early are more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Reasons why they are more successful and what is required to be successful? v. 2
There has been an increase in the number of students, who are dropping out from their educational institutes, to continue pursuing their dream career. Whereas there can be numerous reasons, why they are more successful, than people, who complete their education, I believe that strong will, hard work and talent are most important, among many other factors. Firstly, the students, who drop out of school, has a dream to follow. They realize their talent much sooner than their peers and they have the determination and courage to pursue their talent. For example, Sachin Tendulkar, a famous cricketer, has been a school dropout. Despite that, he is famous all around the world and is respected and worshipped by millions of people. He is even a role model for many aspiring cricketers of India. His sheer talent has taken him to the position, that he now holds. However, only talent can’t make anyone successful. A bit of a luck and a whole lot of courage, intelligence, smartness and persuasion is required to become successful. Being at the right place, at the right time can also contribute to people’s success. For instance, the current prime minister of India was a mere tea seller once. Without any proper education or degree, he has now become the most important person in a country of billions of people. To conclude, I feel success can’t be measured by the number of degrees, one has, but with the number of people, who look up to them. Instead of compelling someone to get good grades in their academic subjects, we should all realize talent and support what students truly want to take up as their future career. This way we can make this world, a happy and successful place.
There has been an increase in the number of students,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are dropping out from their educational institutes, to continue pursuing their dream career. Whereas there can be numerous reasons, why they are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
, than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
complete their education, I believe that strong will,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
are most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other factors.

Firstly
, the students,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
drop out of school, has a dream to follow. They realize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
much sooner than their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
peers and
they have the determination and courage to pursue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
cricketer, has been a school dropout. Despite that, he is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
all around the world and
is respected
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'worshipped' is British English.
worshipped
by millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. He is even a role model for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspiring cricketers of India. His sheer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
has taken him to the position, that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
holds.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
anyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. A bit of a luck and a
Consider using "lot".
whole lot
of courage, intelligence, smartness and persuasion
is required
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. Being at the right place, at the right time can
also
contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
success.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
prime minister of India was a mere tea seller once. Without any proper education or degree, he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
person in a country of billions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To conclude
, I feel success can’t
be measured
by the number of degrees, one has,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
look up to them.
Instead
of compelling someone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades in their academic subjects, we should all realize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
and support what students
truly
want to take up as their future career. This way we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this world, a happy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
place.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Why do some people who leave school early are more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Reasons why they are more successful and what is required to be successful? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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