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Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success? v.1

Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success? v. 1
There are numerous instances of individuals who drop out school and became as prominent entrepreneurs or be more successful than people who follow their education completely. This happens because these people pursued their goals and it might be one of the main causes of success. Generally, those who leave the education have remotely interest in it or find that barrier of reaching to their desire. Almost, these individuals have particular aim and make countless efforts to achieve it. Bill Gates or Steve Jobs might be a good sample of that. In addition, this type of people entered into markets and faced problems earlier than academic persons and figured it out to attempt more to reach the targets and obtain great experiences. There are plenty of points for success. Foremost, the goal has a crucial role for people. It illustrates what a person wants to be in the future as an ideal place whether in academic area or in market. In following, they endeavour to achieve that. It goes without saying that there are numerous failure in the way, however, industrious people struggle again and again to gain it, for example invention of electrical or computer or world of sample became by excessive scramble. Furthermore, prosperous people have much more capacity of risk ability than others. They take any opportunity for achievement, not to have a sense of regret after losing it in the future. To sum up briefly, they are mostly more prosperous who are absence of education because they pursue their goal and desire and persist in it. In my idea, making a particular goal, attempting for it without any retreat and take risks for any opportunity might be as requirements of success.
There are numerous instances of individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
drop out school and became as prominent entrepreneurs or be more successful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
follow their education completely. This happens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pursued their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
and it might be one of the main causes of success.

Generally
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the education have
remotely
interest in it or find that barrier of reaching to their desire. Almost, these individuals have particular aim and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
countless efforts to achieve it. Bill Gates or Steve Jobs might be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sample of that.
In addition
, this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
entered into markets and faced problems earlier than academic persons and figured it out to attempt more to reach the targets and obtain great experiences.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of points for success. Foremost, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
has a crucial role for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It illustrates what a person wants to be in the future as an ideal place whether in academic area or in market. In following, they
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to achieve that. It goes without saying that there are numerous failure in the way,
however
, industrious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
struggle again and again to gain it,
for example
invention of electrical or computer or world of sample became by excessive scramble.
Furthermore
, prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have much more capacity of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
ability than others. They take any opportunity for achievement, not to have a sense of regret after losing it in the future.

To sum up
briefly
, they are
mostly
more prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are absence of education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they pursue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
and desire and persist in it. In my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, making a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
, attempting for it without any retreat and take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
for any opportunity might be as requirements of success.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies. Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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