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Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success v.1

Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success v. 1
While some people believe that the complete ban on smoking at the public places is justified, others argue that it is not. This essay totally agrees with the statement that, this law is justified as it saves other visitors of the public places from the passive smoking and also forces smokers to quit smoking for at least that period of time. Firstly, These people are not only causing harm to their own lungs, but are also harming others by passive smoking. In other words, it is scientifically proven that when a person stays in an area, where smoking is done its smoke penetrates into the lungs of surrounding people via inhalation and unknowingly they are also affected by the detrimental effects of smoking. For example, a study conducted at the Stanford university found that, the lungs of the friends of the chain smokers were 10 percent more damaged than that of the actual smokers. As a result, the Council has taken this decision, so that this will keep safe others who are not actually smoking. Secondly, it Helps smokers to quit smoking. That is to say, these people generally have a notion that, they cannot survive without the smoking at regular intervals, but when they visit these public facilities where, they are not allowed to smoke, they have to resist their urge to smoke and this gives them a perspective that they can live without it. For instance, one of my paternal uncles was addicted to the cigarettes and when he went to the pilgrimage, there he was not allowed to smoke for 40 days, today he does not smoke at all, he left it and he is delighted that he has made it. Therefore, this law acts as the ray of hope and motivates them that, they can be free from the addiction. To conclude, the implementation of the ban on smoking at public facilities is a step in the right direction, as it will not only safeguard the lungs of the surrounding audience, but will also encourage the smokers to quit such a bad habit.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the complete ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places
is justified
, others argue that it is not. This essay
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the statement that, this law
is justified
as it saves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
visitors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places from the passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
and
also
forces smokers to quit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
for at least that period of time.

Firstly
, These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
causing harm to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lungs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are
also
harming others by passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, it is
scientifically
proven that when a person stays in an area, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is done
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
penetrates into the lungs of surrounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
via inhalation and
unknowingly
they are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the detrimental effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
For example
, a study conducted at the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Stanford university
found that, the lungs of the friends of the chain smokers were 10 percent more damaged than that of the actual smokers.
As a result
, the Council has taken this decision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
safe others who are not actually smoking.

Secondly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Helps
smokers to quit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
That is
to say, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generally
have a notion that, they cannot survive without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
at regular intervals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when they visit these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
facilities where, they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
resist their urge to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
and this gives them a perspective that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without it.
For instance
, one of my paternal uncles
was addicted
to the cigarettes and when he went to the pilgrimage, there he was not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
for 40 days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
he does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
at all, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
he
is delighted
that he has made it.
Therefore
, this law acts as the ray of hope and motivates them that, they can be free from the addiction.

To conclude
, the implementation of the ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
facilities is a step in the right direction, as it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
safeguard the lungs of the surrounding audience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
encourage the smokers to quit such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Why are some people who leave school early more successful compared with those who complete their studies Provide reasons why they are more successful and what are the requirements for success v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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